God helped me go beyond fear, through art

By Carmen Tome

'Camelot,' which won first place in the Pictoral Class. More of her work can be seen at www.carmentome.com

MY FEARS started very early on in life. My family and I arrived in Canada from Portugal when I was eight. For the next 10 years, life seemed very bleak to me. I was ridiculed almost daily because I was Portuguese, had a speech impediment and was considered ugly.

Paranoia

I hid in libraries as much as I could, and discovered books on astrology -- which seemed to provide answers to who I was. From there, I went on to numerology and palmistry, to help me survive daily. I grew increasingly more neurotic and paranoid -- battling depression, self-hatred and self-rejection.

Throughout school, I showed a bit of talent in drawing. Once, I was offered first prize in a contest; but when I found out that I'd have to accept the award in front of 700 students, and wear a crown and robe to be queen for a day, I turned it down -- I took second prize instead. I could not handle the attention. I just wanted to disappear into the crowd where no one would ever make fun of me again.

Carmen Tome, of Langley, B.C., was recently chosen Commercial Photographer of the Year by the Professional Photographers of Canada.

A couple of years later I took an EST (The Forum) seminar to learn how to overcome fears. At one point, I got the courage to stand up at a microphone in front of 250 people; but when I tried to talk, absolutely nothing came out except for the sound of shaky breathing.

Throughout art school, I went further into mysticism; I visited psychics, and enlarged my repertoire of divination with tarot cards and other practices. I also got involved with a man who had grown up with New Age practices.

My future husband and I became Christians at the same time, in very dramatic conversions. We got married soon after, but did not have a solid basis for a long term relationship; we divorced after six years. Afterwards, feeling terribly angry and defeated, I pressed in to God to be healed and restored.

It was a slow process. Although I was a Christian, my sheer terror of public speaking continued; for years, my greatest fear was being in a group situation, even small ones, and having someone say, "Carmen, will you lead in prayer?"

God's leading

Things began to change when I was working at a portrait studio, where I retouched my employer's photographs. I started to get ideas for making photographs unique; I thought of ways to create extraordinary visual effects and moods.

I realized that I couldn't do these things with other people's photographs and call them my own. I didn't have a camera; so I dug out the negatives from the photo work I'd done in art school, and started to experiment in the evenings after work.

As I continued day after day, joy emerged in me. Pretty soon it had grown so much that I could not deny that God was in this whole thing, leading me on. It felt like a call. I remembered an experience I'd had some years prior to this, when I had felt a sense of being called to the nations, along with mental pictures of myself going all over the world with a camera in my hand; at the time, I had not known what it meant.

Almost immediately, I entered competitions; one of the photographs from art school won an award at the Surrey Arts Alive event. I took this as confirmation that I was going in the right direction, with God's blessing.

Within a few months, I finally bought a camera; I would shoot a couple of rolls every morning before work, to acquire photographic skills. Soon after, my employer downsized, and I was without a job.

Courage and wisdom

With an incredible sense of God's guidance, I decided to jump right in and work for myself as a photographer. By then, it was clear to me that I had been led by insecurity and fear all my life.

I determined to become a woman of courage and wisdom -- which I prayed for daily. I barely knew how to photograph, much less do business -- and I was very scared.

But the sense of God being with me was greater than my fear, and I felt utterly compelled to go in this direction. With the few photographs I had, I was able to book gallery exhibitions; as my images got exposure, work started coming in with referrals.

When I had prayed for courage, I did not realize that the Lord would give it to me by leading me to walk through all my fears -- so that I could own courage, as God revealed to me that I am not alone. How he has led me onward and upward in the face of these fears!

Soon, I will be confronting a particularly significant fear: I have accepted an invitation to speak at the Professional Photographers of Canada Annual National Convention.

I will be keeping company with some big-name speakers. This is a huge honour; and considering where I have come from, it is a monumental decision. I can barely believe I will actually be doing it -- and that I now have the certainty that this time I can follow through. There is no escaping the fact that God is leading me in this, and I must embrace it as a new adventure.

And my artistic adventure is deepening. Now, when I pick up my camera, when I look in the viewfinder, when I frame my subjects, when I notice the light, the texture and the ambience . . . I am worshipping the Lord.

I want to see with his eyes, feel what he feels, love what he loves. I want my hands to function for him with all my might, and my feet to go where he wants me to go.

Christ is my unseen partner in my art.