Insights into the single life

By David F. Dawes

THE CONCERNS of single adults in the Christian community are getting increasing attention from Christian media -- as demonstrated by cover stories in several denominational publications over the past year. This interest is evidenced in some BC churches. One in particular, Willingdon Church in Burnaby, has had ministries aimed at singles for many years. BC Christian News recently conducted an e-mail interview with Korban Molitor, who chairs the deacon committee for the church's Gateway group.

BC Christian News: Some singles feel neglected, marginalized and even stigmatized in their churches. What should churches be doing to integrate singles into the congregation?

Korban Molitor: I think that we (singles) are partly to blame if we are being neglected and marginalized. By being active and involved in the church, we can be recognized for who we are as singles. I don't know that the church needs to 'do' anything different, except to maybe recognize that a large part of today's church is single, and perhaps address some of today's issues from the perspective of being single rather than just from a family perspective.

BCCN: In your view, what is the best way for churches to approach the issue of singleness?

KM: This is where a lot of people differ in opinion. Personally, I think it helps to have a separate singles pastor, as we do have different issues and perspectives than married people. I also think a pastor can bring focus and clarity, as well as organization, to a group. However, I do know that many singles feel having a separate singles pastor will demote the idea of marriage. I do understand this point, but I think it is also important to remember that singles are not just 'never married' but also divorced, widowed, separated, etc. -- and a singles pastor can bring a lot of encouragement as well. The benefits of a pastor, in my opinion, do outweigh any negatives.

BCCN: Many churches tend to be very family-oriented, giving the impression that marriage is the normative state for all Christians. And yet, Jesus was single; and certain scriptures extol the single life. What would you say to Christians who think of singleness as a negative experience?

KM: There are scriptures that extol the single life, and there are those that extol marriage. I don't think that it is right to say one or the other is more right. If this [negative perception] is from someone who is single, I would try to encourage them to find ways to concentrate on God, and to pray. In my opinion . . . I am no less a person being single than I would be if I was married.

BCCN: Some Christian singles have a lot of struggles with their situation. What suggestions can you give to help those who are not at peace with their singleness? What scriptures would be helpful for them?

KM: Again, I would say to pray, and to pray specifically. If you are completely unable to live single, then pray for a spouse. I don't see that there is anything wrong with praying specifically, as God often commands it. I would also suggest that they get involved in the church, not just attend. Help out in Sunday school, be a youth sponsor, an usher, join the choir or worship team, become a part of the action rather than just a spectator. It's amazing how God changes us when we just make ourselves available. Some verses I like are Mark 11:24 and Phillipians 4:6-7.

BCCN: Judging from their sermons, some pastors seem to believe that sexual temptation is the only serious issue confronting singles. What issues do singles identify as their particular concerns?

KM: I will agree that temptation is a very serious issue -- but for married people as well. Being married does not stop temptation. How many strong Christians, with a solid family, have fallen because of temptation? I think what is important is for pastors to address these issues from both a single and a married perspective. Whether it's temptation, career, finance [or] relationships . . . the issues apply to both married and single people. What is different is how we relate to these issues.

BCCN: Do a significant number of married Christians have negative preconceived notions about singles? If so, could you specify some of the negative ideas you have encountered?

KM: No, I don't believe that many married Christians have negative notions about singles . . . they just quickly forget what being single was like, and think everyone should be married. The biggest notion I have seen, and this more often from singles, is that we are not complete unless married, with 3.2 kids, a good career, a dog, a house, and two cars -- oh, and a white picket fence. I think people often see marriage as a goal, rather than a milestone along life's path.

BCCN: Are a lot of single Christians giving in to temptations such as common-law 'marriage', pornography or dating non-Christians?

KM: I do not believe that there are a lot of single Christians involved in common-law marriage, but I have been told that this is quickly becoming a big issue, and that it is on the rise. As for pornography and dating non-Christians, I would say that these are huge temptations. With all the channels and shows on television, and with easy, fast Internet access, pornography is all around us. But as with any tempation, with some will power -- and some God-power -- it can be easily overcome. Dating non-Christians is also very tempting, and easy to do. You've likely already met everyone in your church, and you might only be there once a week; but you're at work or school every day, often surrounded by non-Christians -- some of whom you may find attractive. For someone who is not satisfied being single, dating a non-Christian can often be seen as their only way to marriage.

BCCN: Have you met many Christians who feel that they have been 'called' to singleness?

KM: I personally haven't, but do know of one or two who do feel they have been called to be single. These are very rare people, and it takes a special gift from God for someone to be called to singleness. I have also seen people who said they were called to be single get married. To say you are called to singleness is not a light matter. Also, being mid-30's or 40's and single does not also mean you are called to being single.

BCCN: Are a significant number of Christian singles genuinely content with their unmarried status?

KM: Most singles I know would definitely rather be married -- and I think that, if we are being honest, we (singles) are often frustrated by the fact we are not married, and are not content. However, I also do know a number of singles who are not concerned about when they will get married, but also do not feel called to being single. I think that part of this stems from a 'grass is greener' philosophy.

BCCN: Regarding those who don't feel called to the single life: What are some of the key obstacles some have identified, which they feel have prevented them from connecting with a life partner?

KM: For males, rejection. For females, no one asks them out, or the wrong guys are asking them out. I know many females complain about the lack of leadership in Christian men -- and this is a valid complaint. For guys, if we ask a few different girls out, we get labelled as a 'player' or a 'flirt' and that we're only interested in the date, not the person. (Unfortunately, I must admit that this is sometimes true.) Also, as a Christian community is very close, there is a risk to dating, should something go wrong in the relationship. For instance, you both go to the same church, you have the same friends -- and, if you should break up, the common friends you had before may not know how to handle this, and you can end up losing not only a potential mate, but often some really good friends as well. I think this fear also holds people back from dating.

BCCN: Do you believe a lot of Christian singles have been significantly influenced by worldly standards of physical attractiveness and material wealth? Have many of them bought into stereotyped notions about the opposite sex? (For example: do they make assumptions about the behavior and thought processes of the opposite sex? Do they expect the opposite sex to fulfill certain roles, such as: The man should always take the initiative in courtship. Or: The woman should focus on motherhood.) Do you think such factors have prevented some singles from appreciating some people as potential mates?

KM: Definitely, yes. The world tells us that we need to be beautiful, rich, and successful, or else we aren't important. The world also says that we should have a partner -- it doesn't have to be a permanent partner, but we should have one; and family is not nearly as important as self. The breakdown of the family unit is one of the largest problems we have in society, and I don't believe this has changed the roles, but removed the idea of responsibility from the roles. Also, the idea that motherhood (being a housewife) is not a career has only helped to pull the family apart. Personally, I do believe that the man should take initiative in courtship, and leadership within a family, and that women have a definite gift of motherhood -- it is incredible to see this gift when it is used. I have nothing but extreme respect for the woman who stays home, and manages to take care of the kids, while keeping the house clean, and cooking meals, and making lunches, the list goes on. Men need to be men, and women need to be women, as God intended. I think I would have to agree that this loss of responsibility has definitely affected the roles we play as individuals, and in turn affects the way we treat each other, as friends, as well as potential mates.

BCCN: In your view, if a single Christian does not feel called to the single life, how should he or she go about meeting a mate? Should churches do more to facilitate this process?

KM: Let me answer the second question first -- I do not agree that meeting or finding a mate is the responsibility of the church, but rather the individual. As for finding a spouse, again I would say get involved in the church, pray hard, be specific, but at the same time enjoy being single. You may not be called to being single, but don't stop enjoying life. I have known many friends who met their spouses when they became active in the church -- some through Bible study, helping in Sunday school, joining a missions trip, and some by joining the choir or worship teams. You may not be able to change your current marital status, but you can change what occupies your time. Fill your time with God, and amazing things will happen.