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| Ian P. Verseveldt |
By Ian P. Verseveldt PhD
Director of the Master's in Counseling Program at the Associated Canadian Theological Schools (ACTS) of Trinity Western University
Despite the plethora of books on parenting, we seem to be loosing influence on our children? What can we do to regain influence in our children's lives? Ian Verseveldt, looks at these and other pressing questions in summarizing Gordon Neufeld and Gabor Matte's recent book: Hold On To Your Kids: Why Parents Matter.
In the book Neufeld states that our culture is out of sync with the attachment needs of our children (p.35), and describes our North American culture as having recently shifted from an adult oriented world to a peer oriented world.
What is a peer-oriented society?
Children are less likely to take their cues about living from the adults in their lives. They are more likely to orient towards other children in terms of lifestyle choices, morals, dress, language, etc.
Peer orientation has become so commonplace that many have come to believe that it is a natural step in a child's becoming independent. In fact, children are often encouraged to be with peers and their withdrawal from adult influence is believed to be normal and healthy.
Aren't parents supposed to socialize their children? Many parents might ask, aren't we supposed to socialize our children; encourage them to create strong bonds with other children? Neufeld would say yes, but not at the expense of their relationship with significant healthy adults. Neufeld is not arguing against peer friends, as they are natural and can serve a healthy purpose. Rather, children in adult oriented cultures can have friends without loosing the influence and guidance of a mature generation in their lives and in turn children will not loose their bearings or will not have to reject parental influence.
Children have an inborn need to find their bearings by turning toward a source of authority, contact and warmth. (P.7), usually with a solid adult figure in their lives. Children in an adult oriented society get their cues from adults. In absence of this relationship, the child experiences an orientation void, which must be filled. Hence, peers become the natural substitute for the orientation void.
From numerous examples in the literature on attachment and brain research, Neufeld weaves a convincing argument for age old wisdom: spending time and developing strong attachments with our kids creates a strong base from which they can venture out into the world.
A child's attachment hunger never goes away. Neufeld sets out a solid argument for the role of attachment between adult and child. He argues that attachment is not something that is a given, it is not automatic, but must be intentionally nurtured throughout the child's life. Gordon Neufeld has reminded us about what perhaps our grandparents knew all along: children thrive when they have close attachments and intimate relationships with loving adults in their lives. It sounds so simple, but Neufeld argues that our peer-oriented society leaves our children without moorings.
When children become more withdrawn and hang out with their peers, we assume this is a natural progression of their maturation and individuation. They become more withdrawn and sullen as they retreat into their peer world. They are separating from us. But Neufeld reminds us that our children are moving away from adult influence into a world where the people they take their cues and direction from are just as immature as they. As long as our children are dependent, we need to invite them to depend on us. Who a child is most attached to will have the greatest impact on his/her life. This does not mean that a child should not be attached to their peers. Again, they are not mutually exclusive. There should be no reason why a child cannot be attached and influenced by adults while they are attached to their peers.
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"What the young need is stability, presence, attention, advice, good psychic food, unpolluted stories is exactly what the sibling society won't give them." Robert Bly (P.47).
Dependency is a natural phenomenon.
Too often parents are blamed for lack of parenting skills. Parents have good instincts to parent; it is not ineptitude but lack of power or authority to parent. Not power in the sense of coercion, but the power to create and maintain an appropriate aligned relationship with the child. When we lack the power, we are likely to resort to force, threats, or some other leverage, which may further alienate the child. The secret of the power is in the dependence of the child. The dependent child will look to the parents as the answer to their needs. Their dependency need is natural, it is to whom they are dependent, peer or parent, that makes the difference in the child's ability to grow and mature, to be responsive and to be adaptable.
It takes three entities to make parenting work: 1. a dependent being in need of being taken care of 2. an adult willing to assume responsibility and 3. a good working attachment from the child to the adult. (P.64)
A child's growth towards maturity is a paradox: it is dependence and attachment that foster independence and genuine separation. In other words, fulfillment of attachment needs will foster independence, which leads to maturity and adaptability.
Where do we go from here?
Children may know what they want, but they cannot know what they need. As mature adults in their lives, Neufeld encourages us to use out own intuitive parenting instincts and form solid attachments with our children (and those within our influence).
After his argument against a peer-oriented culture, he provides seven solid disciplinary guidelines to foster, preserve, and nurture attachment and maturity in his chapter aptly titled: 'Discipline that does not Divide'. With headings like
* Use connection, not separation, to bring a child into line * When problems occur, work the relationship, not the incident * When things aren't working for the child, draw out the tears instead of trying to teach a lesson * Solicit good intentions instead of demanding good behavior * Draw out the tempering element instead of trying to stop impulsive behavior. * When dealing with an impulsive child, try scripting the desired behavior instead of demanding maturity * When unable to change the child, try changing the child's world.
I recommend this book as well worth a read, both for professionals and our front-line workers: PARENTS!
Johan (Ian) P. Verseveldt PhD
May 24/2007
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