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By Diane Marshall
 JEAN VANIER is a well known Christian, and founder of L'Arche, an international organization that creates communities where people with developmental disabilities and those who assist them share life together. On the occasion of his 75th birthday, he wrote members of the worldwide L'Arche communities about the meaning of what he calls 'presence.'
"Presence: being present to people who are fragile; being present to one another. To live fully the present moment Y our human hearts are thirsting for presence: the presence of a friend; the presence of someone who will listen faithfully, who does not judge but who understands, appreciates, and through love lowers the barriers of inner fear and anguish. This presence implies compassion and tenderness.
"Above all being present to God, listening to God. It is important not to be afraid or to feel paralyzed in front of all that is so painful in our world and in our [families]. We need to discover the presence of God in the actual reality of each day. God is not to be found in the ideal but is hidden in the poverty of the present moment, in all that is broken and inadequate in our [families] and in our own hearts." [Letters to L'Arche, Fall 2003]
Presence, then, is the capacity to live in the present moment within our family life, and to be attentive to one another - as couples, as parents with children; to the elderly, sick, and disabled in our midst.
Families are the first place where we learn to be in the world: to be known, to become, to be understood, to be playful, to be compassionate. When families are stressed and overtaken by the tyranny of the urgent, there is little time for knowing one another, for listening to one another, for growing emotionally and relationally.
Intimacy should characterize our family relationships, but when we are constrained by work demands, and unable to relax and shift gears at the end of the day, then family relationships suffer. Parents lose touch with their children, children often feel alone in the midst of a busy family that makes no time for connections, and the elderly and disabled are ignored.
Author of best selling Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, Stephen Covey, goes to some lengths to describe a 'time matrix,' to assist us in reflecting on our use of time.
Do we allocate time to things that are important, but not urgent in our busy schedules?
Whether ruled by the urgent, or what seems important in the minute, busy parents frequently have no time for each another, or for their children, to practice the art of what Vanier calls presence.
And how many of us use urgent but not important activities to tune out, and numb out, the stressors of the day, without creating space and time for true reflection.
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Learning to listen - be intentional
If we are to learn to practice the listening skills so essential to the flourishing of relationships, and so critical for the developing young hearts and minds of our children and grandchildren, then we need to intentionally carve out the time for being together, and not simply for doing. Listening, truly listening, to another is a remarkable gift needed for the flourishing of us all as persons.
When we are defensive, we can't listen wholeheartedly because of the fear of losing something precious to us (which we therefore defend). But when we can learn to listen and validate another, then we gain what Vanier calls true "presence". Being with the other, and entering into their experience, helps us to gain deeper understanding and empathy for our family members.
Good listening:
- Recognizes that every human being needs to know:
• I am of worth
• my thoughts, feelings, and experiences matter
• someone really cares about me
- Can help to fulfill these basic needs because through it we act as mirrors for each other and validate each other's lives.
Four rules of good listening:
• Give your full attention, without judging or critiquing.
• Listen to the thoughts and feelings being expressed.
• Listen to the underlying needs being expressed.
• Understand by seeking to put yourself in the other person's shoes.
Keys for good listening:
1. Set a TIME AND PLACE to talk (remember to avoid the low blood sugar times, especially risky is before a main meal, or when tired, late at night.
2. REPEAT BACK ("mirror") what the other person has said
ensures you understand the concern or issue clearly.
3. VALIDATE what is said. This does not mean agreeing, but shows that you understand the meaning of what the other has said (why it makes sense to them).
4. EMPATHIZE with the other's feelings shows you understand and care about each others' feelings. Resist the temptation to "auto-biographise" -- that is, jump in to tell the other person about your experience, in a way that takes the focus off their journey. This is very common as people 'press our buttons.'
Diane Marshall, M.Ed., RMFT works with the Institute of Family Living (IFL), Toronto, and is a regular contributor to canadianchristianity.com. IFL is a multi-disciplinary, cross-cultural team of professional therapists and physicians. Guided by Christian and Jewish faith traditions, we offer psychotherapy, assessment, and consultation to individuals, couples, families, and human service agencies. www.ifl.on.ca
May 31/2007
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