|
By Barry Buzza
 LAST WEEK, I wrote about a couple who came into my office for counseling regarding their deteriorating 10-year marriage. They were on the brink of calling it quits.
After listening to their story, I drew them a picture of a 32 cup coffee percolator, and explained that the daily pressures of life, which we all face, are like people draining cup after cup of coffee from our limited supply. The coffee was a metaphor for the limited amount of strength, courage and grace that we all have.
Just when both pots are on empty, husband and wife come together at the end of their exhausting day, each expecting to get something of refreshment from the love of their lives. But rather than get fresh coffee, they get either the stale dregs or nothing at all. The couple I spoke with had been going through this cycle day after day for the past year, and were growing increasingly frustrated with one another.
After explaining to them what my little drawing meant, they both understood their dilemma. Each was on empty. Not only did they have nothing left to give to the other, but they also had nothing left for themselves. (Sometimes, that's when we start looking for something to fill the emptiness-it may be more "stuff" from the mall, another toy to play with, an outside love interest or a change in home or job.)
I suggested to my friends that there really are only two solutions to the problem of the empty coffee pots-one is to refill it with more water and coffee grounds, and the other is to put some limits on how much we give away during each day-simple.
Well, not quite simple, but obviously necessary. A coffee pot that runs for a long time on empty will not only not have anything to give away to those we love, but will soon burn out. Ultimately a burned out coffee pot doesn't do anyone any good!
Continue article >>
|
Men and women are typically different, and we therefore react differently to being on empty.
A woman who's pot has been on empty for awhile, who is not getting refilled regularly or sufficiently will tend toward insecurity. She will feel unloved, abandoned, disregarded, unimportant and lonely. When she and her husband meet up at the end of a long day, because of her feelings of insecurity and her husband's lack of understand, or his inability to fill her pot, the wife will attack him by blaming or complaining or clinging-the very things that will exacerbate his growing sense of emptiness.
On the husband's side, he reacts differently to the low supply of coffee (strength, courage, grace). He feels insignificant, which works itself out as being inadequate, pressured, responsible, guilty and discouraged. His behaviour, depending upon his personality and family history, will likely be the exact opposite of what his wife needs. He will withdraw, defend and/or give up.
That's what was happening to the young couple with whom I was talking. She was attacking and he was withdrawing. The cycle had spiraled downward to a point of desperation. How could they break the cycle and begin to "refill their respective coffee pots"? Stay tuned.
|
Barry Buzza, a veteran pastor, is the president elect of the The Foursquare Gospel Church of Canada. www.foursquare.ca
|  |
June 7/2007
|
