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By Barry Buzza
I've been using the marriage breakdown of a young couple, whom I've spent some time with, to illustrate a common problem in 7 year plus marriages.
After, as we grow through our 30's, during the difficult years of rearing pre-schoolers, finding our careers and buying our first home, the pressures of life seem to drive a wedge between husband and wife. When it seems that we need love, security and significance the most, the very person who has vowed to love and cherish us is running on empty himself.
Over the past couple of weeks, I've been using a 32 cup coffee pot to illustrate what sometimes happens to us in our marriages. The full pot of coffee represents a person who is full of strength, courage and grace. There will be an aroma of kindness, joy and peace coming from that person.
At the base of our personal coffee pot is a spout which drains the coffee. Every relationship that we have in a day takes coffee away from our limited supply. Bored children, (as I'm writing this article, my three year old granddaughter, Victoria, is desperately seeking my attention -she keeps bringing me things she has created. Both, the pressure of doing my work by deadline and my darling girl's emotional needs are pressing at my limited time.) financial pressures, long working hours, aging parents, etc. all present valid cups waiting to be filled from our coffee supply.
Last week, I wrote about how husbands and wives relate differently to an empty pot. She feels insecure and often expresses her feelings of not being loved by complaining; he in turn, feels insignificant and expresses his hurt by withdrawing, and the cycle spirals downward.
There are only two solutions to the empty coffee pot -either give less coffee away, or put more water and coffee grounds in the pot. A coffee pot that keeps cooking on empty will burn out. If the couple who are both running on empty bail out of the marriage, as 50% do, the problem is only exacerbated.
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June 14/2007
Rather than run, which we sometimes feel like doing, we have to break the unhealthy cycle. Somebody has to begin - I usually turn to the husband and put the responsibility on him, but often it's the wife who by default has to change the interaction.
The ingredients for a full aromatic pot of coffee are given to us by the very one who created both man and woman. I tell young couples this secret when they first get married, "A woman's number one need is love. If her husband chooses to love her, even when she appears to be unlovable, she will respond to that love in a positive way. A man's number one need is respect. If his wife chooses to respect him, even when he's not acting like a respectable adult, he will eventually (this takes several weeks to turn the tide) respond with appropriate love.
A loved woman will feel adequate, cared for and secure. She will express her feelings with joy, peace and affirmation.
A respected husband will feel encouraged, able and motivated. He will eventually begin to show behaviors of openness, care and love -with determination and God's grace, the cycle can be reversed. I've seen it happen several times, usually two steps forward, one step backwards, two steps forward, one step backward...
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Barry Buzza, a veteran pastor, is the president elect of the The Foursquare Gospel Church of Canada. www.foursquare.ca
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