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By Diane Marshall
 For an intimate partnership to be truly fulfilling and long-lasting, four ingredients are necessary:
• A clear personal identity for each partner;
• A clear vision for the relationship, that includes the possibility of growth and change in the various stages of the marital life cycle;
• A mutual commitment to love and fidelity;
• A willingness to work together to achieve personal and relational peace.
A mutual decision to seek understanding and willingness to learn the skills needed to face challenges together are necessary ingredients for growth and healing within an intimate relationship. The commitment to one another must be firm as a couple seeks to work things through. But other ingredients may include the presence of a competent therapist to work with them at one or more periods of their marital journey and the support of a community (family, church, friends) to encourage growth and resolution. At such times, God's grace is often mediated through the love of others, as well as through the regular practices of worship, prayer, meditation, and study.
Until the mid-twentieth century, the church allowed members to divorce, or to remarry only under very exceptional circumstances. Now, in an age of divorce, the church must work to strengthen marriages (in the ways noted above), while also helping those who experience the shame and failure of broken marriages, embodying the good news of forgiveness and restoration, of new beginnings and renewed hope. Some of our faith communities are more successful at this than others.
Many have Marriage Enrichment programs, and when relationships fail, Divorce Recovery or grief groups which include separated and divorced members of the congregation. It is important that the grief of children be acknowledged, as well as that of their parents, when intimate partnerships are incapable of reconciliation.
But if lasting reconciliation is to occur, certain conditions are crucial. Many people of faith report the following to be important as they seek to heal their relationship:
• The courage to face their problems openly, without denial or avoidance.
• The strength to face their need to change, and the grace to learn how.
• The love to sustain them even in the darkest times.
• The commitment to God's calling to their vocation of marriage.
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Many couples have had little or no experience of Bible study or prayer in their relationship, and frequently say that when a marriage is in crisis they have no spiritual nurture. Sometimes one partner may take some spiritual leadership, but with passive resistance (amounting to sabotage) by the other partner. Perhaps one partner has a prayer group of which she or he is a member. Many couples, although they worship together, are really out of fellowship in a spiritual and emotional sense with one another, and this exacerbates the difficulties they face in the course of their shared life.
Many Christian counsellors try to encourage couples to find a way to pray together and to have their life informed by regular scripture reading, so that their emotional and family life is nourished by their faith. As partners learn to listen to one another, to truly hear the deepest needs and longings of the heart of their spouse, frequently a window opens for deeper communion, and fresh air enters to revitalize the marriage. As new skills and healthier relational patterns are developed, counselling becomes less frequent.
Many couples divorce who otherwise could have restored their relationships, had the appropriate help been available. Many children become torn between two separated parents, and could be helped if their parents had a clearly defined parenting plan, which outlines a process or forum for resolution of difficulties, and which does not put the children in the middle. Parents who divorce need to realize that children have the need and right to love both their parents, and (unless prohibited by court order due to violations like physical or sexual abuse) the need to feel connected to each of their parents. If and when remarriage or new partnerships occur, old loyalties must be preserved along with new ties.
Sadly, some family relationships cannot be restored or healed. Sometimes it is because of hardness of heart, an unforgiving spirit, a refusal to walk the path of reconciliation. Sometimes it is because physical or emotional abuse can, and should, no longer be tolerated, and a relationship needs to end. Sometimes there are events external to the marriage or destructive to family life which undermine a covenant. These include war, natural disasters, physical or psychiatric illness, substance abuse, pornography and other addictions, all of which can thwart reconciliation from occurring. At such a time, people need to depend on God's grace to move forward, and to rebuild their lives, and those of their children.
Diane Marshall, M.Ed., RMFT works with the Institute of Family Living (IFL), Toronto, and is a regular contributor to canadianchristianity.com. This article is based on her book: 'Healing Families - courage and faith in challenging times.'
www.ifl.on.ca
www.anglicanbookcentre.com
June 28/2007
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Thank you for her article. I will add it to my marriage resource folder.