|
By Diane Marshall
 INTO the cultural context of family breakdown, divorce, and remarriage, our faith speaks a word of hope and consistency: that God is love, that forgiveness and mercy are foundational values in the journey of following Christ, and that community is to be treasured.
Parenting is a calling from God; children are a gift. This message must be communicated to our children as they face the dislocations of family breakup and parental separations, as too often they feel caught in the middle or are vulnerable to self-rejection or to a role reversal of feeling responsible for their parents.
When new parental unions and reconfiguration of families occur, the church can be a supportive community as children and youth face the daunting prospect of including a new step-parent into their family circle, and often the addition of step-siblings.
Certainly, trust and friendship does not instantly occur, and must be carefully cultivated. Again, the community of the church can be a safe place, and a trusted youth leader can be a major support in listening to the confusion and hurts and fears of a young person going through such major transition.
Parents in successful step-families have realistic expectations and are comfortable in knowing that their step-family will always be different from a biological family unit. Parents and children are more comfortable if they recognize that not all relationships are equally close.
Continue article >>
|
Research on stepfamilies tells us that the quality of the step-parent/stepchild relationship is an important determinant of overall stepfamily happiness. Because the solid foundation of an early childhood bonding experiences is lacking, the step-parent/stepchild bond may be particularly vulnerable to family stress. Step-family research suggests that both husbands and wives generally feel closer to their own children than they do to their step-children. Thus in times of stress, biological parents are much more likely to compromise with their own children, and in turn, their children tend to reciprocate by showing appreciation and affection towards them, thereby distancing the step-parent. As stepchildren and step-parents do not have the same history, a more deliberate effort from both parties may be required to build and maintain a congenial relationship. (Melody Preece, Ph.D., When Lone Parents Marry, Transitions, Winter 2003-2004)
Because step-families are becoming more common, our churches need to look at positive ways they can support and foster family life amid the complexities of modern culture. Marriage preparation is different for first time marriages than it is for a remarrying couple. In the latter case, professional counselling, that explores the previous marital history, custody and access issues around children, along with what has been learned through the breakup, may be an important prerequisite to the new marriage.
And because communication skills, so needed in family life, may be more acute in stepfamily situations, a church would do well in education programs to consider separate groups for step-parents than for parents of intact families. Clergy, Sunday school teachers and youth workers do well to be aware of the complexities of the families with whom they work, and the specific needs of the children and youth they serve.
 Diane Marshall, M.Ed., RMFT works with the Institute of Family Living (IFL), Toronto, and is a regular contributor to canadianchristianity.com. This article is based on her book Healing Families - Courage and Faith in Challenging Times.
July 12/2007
|
