Broken vows: Death and resurrection of a marriage - Part 2

Broken vows: Death and resurrection of a marriage - Part 2

Bruce and Karen McAndless-Davis are ministers of the Presbyterian Church in Canada. Karen is co-author of When Love Hurts (see www.womankind.ca). Bruce is pastor of St. Aidan's Presbyterian Church in New Westminster, B.C.

This article, remarkable for its candor and humility, was first published more than 10 years ago in The Presbyterian Record. Today, both Karen and Bruce continue in ministry to men and women who deal with issues of abuse.

(READ 1 of 2)

Karen:

The first few weeks of group counselling were wonderful for me. It was like hearing the gospel. I began to understand that virtually all Bruce's behaviour towards me was abusive. I discovered that I did not deserve the treatment I received. I discovered that Bruce was in the wrong -- not me. I discovered I was not crazy. And I discovered I was not alone. The six other women in my group had experiences incredibly similar to mine.

The way Bruce treated me was not simply the way Bruce treated me; it was the way abusive men treat women.

While this was all good news, I had a sad realization. As I began to see the pervasiveness of Bruce's abuse, I felt the need to leave the marriage. It wasn't enough for him to simply stop the physical violence, he needed to stop all the verbal and emotional abuse, too.

This abuse seemed to be so much a part of who he was that I couldn't imagine him without it. I didn't believe it was possible for a person to change that much.

I thought a lot about leaving -- but I was torn. I still loved Bruce; but his treatment of me was intolerable. I also felt I couldn't deal with the terrible embarrassment of a separation.

Perhaps even more important, I was afraid to be alone. One of the impacts of Bruce's abuse was that I thought poorly of myself. I thought that no other man would want to be with me - and that Bruce was my only chance for marriage and family.

While I wrestled with whether or not to leave, Bruce began to change. The physical abuse stopped immediately and the threats of violence stopped shortly after. Verbal attacks became less common, as he struggled with ending the mental and emotional abuse.

I could tell that he was motivated to change. Participating in his group was important to him. I decided to stick it out for a while and see just how far he would go.

Bruce:

In group counselling, I discovered all the ways I had abused Karen. In the past, I hadn't seen any pattern of abusive behaviour -- simply a few instances of what I called 'losing my temper.' As far as I was concerned, we only had 'arguments' or 'fights.' I was amazed to discover a gradually escalating pattern of emotional and physical abuse since the early years of our relationship.

To change, I first had to admit the full dimensions of my abuse and to see the horrible impact it had on Karen. My behaviour had made her feel worthless. I was so good at turning things around that I made her feel she was crazy when she was upset by my abuse.

I had convinced her of a great, horrible lie: the abuse would stop if only she were somehow better. The truth was, nothing she did or didn't do could stop the abuse; only I could. My abusive behaviour wasn't simply something that happened when I 'lost it'; it was a choice I made every day, in order to control her and keep me and my needs at the centre of our relationship.

Admitting my sin -- my abusiveness -- was very difficult. I had to acknowledge the horror of what I had done to Karen. When I finally admitted to my monstrous behaviour, I felt very alone.

Terrified of being judged, I chose to talk to no one. Having to reject who I was and how I behaved, I didn't know how to behave or who to be. I was an abusive man. I hurt my wife emotionally, physically and spiritually. How could I ever make things right?

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I still had so much to learn. We received counselling for another year as I continued to work on living in a respectful and mutual relationship. While I gave up pieces of abusiveness, it was a long time before I took complete responsibility for my behaviour.

I had to learn how to put Karen's needs and the needs of our relationship before my own. This was harder than I could ever have imagined. It took months of exhausting work (for Karen, our counsellors, and me) before I came to realize how utterly self-centred I was.

I had grown up believing that every relationship is based on power. Unable to envision a relationship in which I saw Karen as truly equal, I had asserted my superiority over Karen by belittling and controlling her.

Through counselling, I was invited to see relationships in a radically new way. It took me a long time to let go of my power -- but I have finally learned to think in terms of 'us' instead of 'me.'

Karen:

Bruce worked as hard in our second year of counselling as he did in the first. He realized that he had broken the vows he had made at our wedding. He took responsibility, stopped the abuse and learned how to be respectful.

The change in Bruce is incredible. He is a completely different person now. It is wonderful to live in a home where I am supported, encouraged and cared for. I feel myself flourishing in my ministry - all the energy that I needed to survive in my relationship is free to be used in positive ways in the world.

Today, 10 years since we first sought counselling, Bruce and I have a marriage that is characterized by mutuality, respect and care. We are deeply thankful for this new life.

Bruce:

For us, this is an Easter story. This journey has given me a profound experience of redemption. Day by day, I experienced every step of the process of reconciliation.

I began by examining and confessing my sin -- all of it. I slowly repented -- turned around -- and changed my behaviour and the atti-tudes that led to it.

Then, I started to find ways of making restitution (or making amends) through acts of love -- from the simplest act of doing more than my 'share' of cleaning, to praising Karen in front of others rather than embarrassing or humiliating her.

None of this can ever erase what I did, but there are ways I can help restore our relationship, to rebuild trust and to heal the hurt in our lives.

The result is forgiveness, reconciliation and new life -- none of which is possible without confession, repentance and restitution. Through this experience, Karen was for me the very embodiment of God's grace. In Karen, I experienced the forgiving love of God in the most real way imaginable.

More than anything else I have ever experienced, this has been a profound journey of faith. Never have I felt God's love more deeply, or found more joy in life, than in our relationship -- which has been resurrected.

Karen:

We have shared our story in the hope of breaking down stereotypes that keep abused women in isolation. We hope our story will encourage battered women to seek the support and safety they deserve.

Although our story of abuse is all too common, the resurrection of our marriage is not. Change is possible -- but only when abusers are willing to take complete responsibility for their behaviour.

Real change does not happen unless abusive men are willing to learn a whole new way of living in relationship. Sadly, most abusers simply do not care enough to do the hard work and to give up their power. Whatever the abuser's choice, women must choose to be emotionally and physically safe. In the midst of our pain, God will go with us.

August 9/2007

Comments

While I am happy for this couple and encouraged by the repentance shown I cannot help but notice the repentance is one sided. Not knowing the exact condition the marriage was in prior to the initial counselling I am commenting to some extent without knowledge. There is a branch of theology that sees men as perpetrators and women as innocent victims. Is this the case here as well? I also have a resurrected marriage and have received much good teaching within the Presbyterian Church of Canada. One thing I would mention that may be of help to others is the Biblical teaching I do not hear often mentioned. A husband is to love his wife as himself. Focussing on respect is not the Biblical model. The women is to respect her husband. That is all. The man has to be willing to die for her. That means die to self as well. This is the context that Jesus used in the two greatest commandments. Paul carries this through to marriage in Ephesians. There would be very few divorces in the Church if men would follow this teaching seriously and if women would show the husband respect. Respectfully submitted, Ron Morey
#1 Ron Morey - 08/13/2007 - 12:06

Thanks for your comments, Ron. In our particular case the repentence was mine because the sin was mine. I was abusive of Karen. She was not abusive of me - or disrespectful for that matter. There are indeed cases where women abuse men or that both partners are abusive. But many reliable studies have shown that, in the vast majority of cases of spousal abuse (inside and outside the church), it is men who are abusing women. This is not because men are more sinful than women but because they usually have more power (physical, social, financial, etc.) than women, even in our modern society today. And men are often (not always) socialized to be independent and self-focussed rather than focussed on other's needs.

The church, along with secular psychology, often causes more pain and damage when they blame the victim for an abusive marriage, or when they make both partners equally responsible. When one partner holds the power and abuses that power (with emotional and/or physical abuse) to maintain control over the other, both partners are not equally responsible. When we try to support couples where there is abuse in the relationship, we need to carefully assess the power dynamics in the relationship.

I believe respect is entirely Biblical. Jesus set a radical new standard of men respecting women - almost unheard of in his time and culture. He accepted, spoke to and included women (and children too) in ways that were truly counter-cultural. And love includes respect, kindness and so much more (1 Cor. 13). I believe that Jesus and Paul teach us to radically love one another with a self-giving love. That is the biblical model of all relationships, especially marriage.

Blessings to you and all who are reflecting on these issues!

Pastor Bruce McAndless-Davis (co-author of "Broken Vows")
#2 - 08/13/2007 - 13:51

Thanks for your comments, Ron. In our particular case the repentence was mine because the sin was mine. I was abusive of Karen. She was not abusive of me - or disrespectful for that matter. There are indeed cases where women abuse men or that both partners are abusive. But many reliable studies have shown that, in the vast majority of cases of spousal abuse (inside and outside the church), it is men who are abusing women. This is not because men are more sinful than women but because they usually have more power (physical, social, financial, etc.) than women, even in our modern society today. And men are often (not always) socialized to be independent and self-focussed rather than focussed on other's needs.

The church, along with secular psychology, often causes more pain and damage when they blame the victim for an abusive marriage, or when they make both partners equally responsible. When one partner holds the power and abuses that power (with emotional and/or physical abuse) to maintain control over the other, both partners are not equally responsible. When we try to support couples where there is abuse in the relationship, we need to carefully assess the power dynamics in the relationship.

I believe respect is entirely Biblical. Jesus set a radical new standard of men respecting women - almost unheard of in his time and culture. He accepted, spoke to and included women (and children too) in ways that were truly counter-cultural. And love includes respect, kindness and so much more (1 Cor. 13). I believe that Jesus and Paul teach us to radically love one another with a self-giving love. That is the biblical model of all relationships, especially marriage.

Blessings to you and all who are reflecting on these issues!

Pastor Bruce McAndless-Davis (co-author of "Broken Vows")
#3 - 08/14/2007 - 11:56

I was in an abusive relationship for several years. It started right after I said I'd marry him. I had just moved in, (to save costs for our wedding), he threw our kitchen items all over the house. A curio cabinet was broken, glass shards everywhere, tv smashed, table and chairs tipped over... Throughout this time, holes were punched in walls, he would storm out of the home for days, money would be missing...

I married him anyway, thinking this was better than being a single parent in low income housing.

Within three months of being married, he slammed my head in my car door, as I was leaving yet another argument. I received a concussion, a swollen jaw, and severly hurt pride. I moved out that time.

We found a counsellor, things got better. He joined an abusers group, I joined a womens group. He attended this group three times, for 12 weeks each time. The violence and abuse continued.

To make a long story really short, even with the counselling both of us had, together and separately, our marriage didn't work. He couldn't or wouldn't change. And I had changed so much that there was nothing left between us. And even during my pregnancy with our daughter, and the few months we lived together after our daughter was born, the violence continued. The control continued.

We've been divorced for over 2 years now, and the abuse continues. Only now it's financially and emotionally, as he can't hit me.

I'm glad it all worked out for you, I wish we could have had some similar results. I always felt that I was cheated by our violence counselling. But I still don't think I could have stayed.

I'm glad the husband found peace within himself, and the will to change. Everyone can change, if they really truly want to.

As for the wife feeling like a victim, I disagree with her statements. I've always felt that I encouraged his behavior by not standing up and stopping it. We are NOT victims, we are enablers. A victim means that we are weak, we can't defend ourselves. We can! We are just too scared to. Or we deny what's really happening in our little world.
#4 Anonymous - 08/17/2007 - 13:04

Dear Brother and sister in Christ!
I am grateful for your testimony, especially for you as a pastor. Many would not bow down and repent but expect the wife to accept any condition, because you are the pastor. As people in high positions have always difficulties to acknowledge mistakes (especially publically) - because that would mean an act of humiliation. But before the Lord it is better to repent than to have a great image and reputation, but still be condemned at jugdement day.
God bless you so much, the Lord sees our heart and wants it to be pure and full of love.
#5 Henriet - 08/24/2007 - 01:47

i just read a little bit of your story. It has blessed me tremendously. I too have been abused in my marriage. I grew up in an abusive home, and so I thought that was how it was supposed to be. The husband or dad hit the wife or kids, they weren't supposed to defend themselves or say anything back. The last straw was in 1999 when mt husband broke my jaw. Novemember of 1998, I learned the scripture Mattew 11:25-- And HE said unto her, I am the ressurection and the life, he that beleives in ME though he were dead, yet shall he live. He that beleives in Me and is alive, shall never die. On March 7th, 1999 my husband,who was drunk began kissing me, the next thing I remembered was being at the door, shouting " I don't want to die." The nightmare that ensued the rest of that night is horrible. But praise GOD I survived. And yes, we were trying to live our lives for CHRIST, atleast I was. Yet I did also take a few sips of a mixed drink that night. The road has not been easy. I chose to stay with my husband, because of his son from his first marriage. I loved that little boy and worried how he would turn out. I didn't realize the pain and damage to my other 2 children by staying. Yet in ways it has helped them. My youngest has a relationship with CHRIST, lives and breathes for him. Our 2 oldest children have made their fair share of mistakes but releaize "who" lackes in their lives. My husband has not hit me since that night. Yet his words and the ways he treats me and our kids are just as hurtful at times. this is the man that lead me to CHRIST. I have gained a deep inner strength thru the years. And now am at the point of waiting for GOD's answer to mine & my youngest son's question, "Lord, should we stay or go, and if go, then where to?" I love my husband, but I pray, wish & hope for him to give his heart to CHRIST. I see what he could be in CHRIST. I always try to see people the way GOD sees them, in HIS image. Your story gave me hope. I know that GOD teaches us all, and that HE has a plan for everyone and evrything. I know that things will work out in HIS time and in HIS way. Thank you and may GOD bless you abundantly more than HE already has.
#6 Debra - 08/25/2007 - 06:30

Yesterday, I cried out to God for help in my dead marriage...I literally cried out. I am at the end of my rope after 30 years of marriage to a man who drank for the first 15, had adulterous affairs and is becoming progressively more abusive emotionally, verbally and physically even though he is sober and claims to be a Christian now. After so long, I have grown totally silent around him, because he won't deal with issues without this ugly anger. He accuses me of being a bad, unforgiving Christian among other things. This hurts so bad, and I can tend to believe him. But your story helped so much, and I am stepping out. I can see the control now. Because I can't talk to him any more, I emailed him your story. I wont't be surprised if he says or does nothing. He is either totally passive or abusive. My next step is separation, although I don't know how I can do this financially. I always thought I could stick this out for the sake of kids and my Christian testimony, but my heart is so weary and sick. We have tried bits of counseling in the past, but he always seems to manipulate the counselors away from his true side. He presents as a very nice person and the counselors just give us nice exercises to do together. Now I don't even like or love him, which adds to the guilt I feel. He says love is a choice, and I'm wrong for choosing not to love him. I can't now. I don't know how to find help or to pay for it if we went. He physically hurt me once on top of numerous verbal and physical threats (blocking doorways, scary driving, grabbing, etc.). I've purposed that if he physically hurts me again, I will call the police. But all of it has worn me down, and he doesn't care. I don't think he can at this point. Thank you for your candid story...it has helped me understand better what is going on.
#7 Diane - 08/25/2007 - 12:27

Is there a way to contact their ministry for help with issues of abuse?
#8 Victory - 08/25/2007 - 23:14

This ugly sinner, let him go his way, so says Paul and live in "peace" if possible, the hurt and damage are bad enough. You can't "provoke" an abuser or make him do it and blame you and a drunk one and one who cheats and lies and leaves you abandoned with his miscarried children and thinking he finds happiness elsewhere, just sex, money and porno and young women thats for that old dude that doesn't know what sacred is and what marriage is. You chose to love, you don't just stop to love or like.
Love and Hate are friends and then enemies..
#9 Marika Smereka - 12/30/2007 - 16:13

Thank you all for your comments, and for sharing your stories.

To contact Karen or me, you can email:
Karen: km-d@telus.net
Bruce: bm-d@telus.net
#10 Bruce - 03/04/2008 - 23:53

To find help in your area, go to:
http://www.theraveproject.com/index.php
#11 Bruce McAndless-Davis - 03/05/2008 - 00:02

I too am an abused woman.My husband is a lay-minister in the church. He tries to use the church to hide behind. Recently I left my husband after trying to get help for us. He promised he'd do anything to keep the marriage. He quit counselling and medication. He is controlling and I asked him to read a book on controlling people. He stopped everything. Now, he's back to all of his prior behaviours. He blames me for everything and says that he has no problem. His counselor said he isn't controlling, his doctor said he has no mood disorder/depression etc.. So, I took a stand and left. Now the church is supporting him, not me. They believe I should have gone to counselling with him. He's just gotten more skilled at hiding his behaviour. He's been verbally, emotionally and psychologically abusive. Financially and socially abusive too. I talked to my pastor's wife who believes that he wasn't abusive. Again, when there are no obvious marks you aren't abused in people's eyes. My scars run deep inside. My dignity as a human being has been taken, my self-worth and self-esteem. When I hear strong footsteps above my head, I still get very stressed-out. I am still suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder. I am very disappointed in my church and especially my pastor and his wife. I gave them material on this subject and still they don't understand. This is his third marriage and he was the same with the previous wives. My husband is very skilled at looking like the victim and me the aggressor to those around him. Everyone in the church sees only his side. I now need to seek out another church. Even now my husband has threatened hsi ex-wife if she speaks to me or writes a letter of their life together. She validated my experience by writing a letter to me. I know it's not me. I fear for my son. He's already tried to talk to women the way his father speaks to me. I left hoping that he wouldn't grow up and treat his wife the same way. Although I feel my choice is correct, it's not easy. I'm alone in this fight except for my one friend. She went through a similar experience. I probably will end up with shared custody/access. I hope that my son will not turn out to be like his father. I have a lot of work ahead of me to ensure he doesn't. My husband has begun to say awful things to our son about me and is trying to brainwash him in regard to me. He told my son that I don't love him, I'm always angry at him and spend no time with him. This was before we even split. He was planning even then to alienate his affections from me. My husband buys him all kinds of things to buy his affections. I feel so sad that a man like this is supported by the church. Noone sees or hears the horrible things said/done to me over the years. He flatly lies about things to me and others and states he doesn't lie. I am frustrated, saddened and let down by the church.
#12 Sonya - 10/22/2008 - 04:19

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