|
Filling up my time was important. I didn't want to stop because stopping would mean I would have time to feel. . . and all I felt was pain. . .
 As far back as I can remember I have felt as though there was something missing in my life. Although friends and family always surrounded me, I still felt very lonely. I often felt like I was lost, never fit in and never had a sense of belonging. I spent so much energy and time searching in all the wrong places for something or someone to fill the void I felt in my heart. I always had a feeling that there was something missing in my life, but I had no idea what it was.
Something missing
At 23 I married and had my first child. Even that did not 'fill my tank.' I felt desperate in my search for something more. I read self-help books, took various courses, and buried myself in my work. God was not a part of my life and I never thought that He was what was missing. After four and half years of an unsuccessful marriage, my husband and I separated and divorced; I was 3 months pregnant with my second child.
I was living in Vancouver at the time, but made a decision to move back to Powell River before giving birth so that I could be closer to my family for support. My daughter was born in January 1993, and even though I had two very wonderful children, I still did not feel complete.
Second marriage - blended family
During the fall of 1993 I met the man who became my second husband. I thought that finally I found someone who filled the emptiness. I felt he was everything that I had been searching for. In October 1996 we married and we became a blended family of seven. Not long after we married the familiar feelings of emptiness surfaced. I was back to looking for purpose, meaning and hope in my life.
In spring of 2000, I read a newspaper article advertising a Twelve Step Course being offered at the Baptist Church. A girlfriend and I took the course. After the course ended, I randomly attended church and when I attended I was always overwhelmed with the sense of belonging. I guess I wasn't ready for God yet, because I didn't stay connected and not too long afterward I stopped going to church and became totally disconnected.
I moved further into darkness and felt more broken and lonely than ever. For a short time I started to explore the possibility of reincarnation, evolution and karma, totally moving away from God. My marriage and family life deteriorated and I was unable to deal with the stresses that I faced. My marriage was dysfunctional. We both drank heavily. I drank in an effort to numb myself from the hopelessness and stresses I felt. I considered myself to be a failure as a wife, as a mother and as a person.
Continue article >>
|
I hit bottom
After nine years of marriage my husband and I separated. I hit bottom. It was very dark. I had never felt so empty, so lonely and so frightened. I didn't understand at the time, but I was spiritually and emotionally bankrupt.
I arrived at work one day to find an invitation to attend an Alpha dinner sitting on my keyboard. I decided to accept the invitation, thinking that it would be something that would fill up one of my days. Filling up my time was important I didn't want to stop because stopping would mean I would have time to feel and I didn't want to feel because all I felt was pain!
Before Alpha started I told people that I just wanted to see what it was about. I also warned the person who invited me that I couldn't commit to every Sunday because I had other commitments. Basically I was making excuses, looking for a back door just in case I needed an out.
Alpha
During Alpha something happened to me that I couldn't even begin to describe. God was doing something within me that lifted me out of the pit I was in and guided me out of the darkness and away from the feelings of hopelessness. Tears always overcame me during worship and the Nicky Gumbel videos, and I found myself spiritually hungry.
On week two of Alpha, at the age of 40, I invited Jesus into my heart to be my Saviour and was baptized. Since then I have become very thirsty for God.
I had lived most of my life searching desperately to find something to fill the void inside me. I had lost hope in ever finding it and then in my absolute darkest, loneliest, scariest days I discovered what it was that had been missing all that time. Jesus has always been there. He has just been waiting for me to open the door and invite Him in! I am loved, I am never alone and I am forgiven praise God!
Faith not sight
I have no idea what God's design is for me, but I have faith and trust in Him. Faith and trust in God had been absent in my life. I have come to realize that my walk is one of faith not sight, trust not touch. When I lean on God, during the good times and the hard times, He reminds me that I am never, ever alone and I am loved by Him!
September 20/2007
|
