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 What follows is a moving account that was sent to cc.com of "Julie" who, whilst being a cheerful believer, has some core issues with being overweight. Issues that daily undermine her self esteem. She likely represents many, in this age of fast, fatty and addictive foods, who whilst believing all the right things, are simply stuck. Canadianchristianity.com invites feedback to this article and especially would be interested in Canadian Christian resources around this issue. - Ed
Stuck
I'm feeling stuck and not particularly motivated to begin the struggle ... again. The struggle of yo-yo dieting, the journey of successes and failures with more of the latter.
It feels like I've always struggled with the issue of weight. Although, when I look back to my teens and compare my eating habits and body shape, I can objectively say that I wasn't out of control then. I definitely feel out of control now.
In my mid-twenties, I had managed to become very slender when I was married. Since then, it's been a roller coaster of varying weights. At this moment, I am at my heaviest weight. Age (early fifties) could be a factor but I'm sure the answers lie deeper within.
Why does my body shape matter to me?
Health, energy, overall mood and self-esteem are all affected and it has a ripple effect to everyone in 'my world'. Add the 'hormone dance' and the mix can be very challenging.
Vicious circle
It's a vicious circle of emotional eating and then feeling depressed because I'm feeling so fat and out of control so I seek solace in comfort foods and so on. They taste so good and produce wonderful endorphins ... a happy, 'over-the-top' feeling only to be followed by the downside of sugar. It is said that chocolate simulates the feeling of love. I believe self-love is a factor. Instead of filling myself up with love, I fill myself up with food. I am my own worst critic.
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Supporters and sabotagers
I also find that when I do get motivated, there are supporters and sabotagers. Some understand in part and won't put temptation in your path, but others who will offer it to you on a platter. "Oh come on... one donut won't hurt you." It is sometimes odd how people try and seduce you, people who are otherwise very understanding and supportive.
Fear of failure
There's also a fear of failure, especially when I announce that I am determined to 'win the battle' this time and a few days later, fail miserably. My self-esteem takes a huge hit, along with my credibility. The strange thing is ... I KNOW what to do. I know what works for me ... a low-glycemic regimen that eliminates cravings and maintains a good blood sugar level. This is usually something for diabetics, and although I am not diabetic it is a very healthy way of eating, one that my doctor endorses.
Walking briskly for 30-40 minutes a day really burns the fat as well. It's hard to get started but after I've been exercising for a couple of weeks, I do feel energized, positive and happy.
 I'm left pondering how to address what are obviously some core issues.
What's the 'payoff' in staying fat? What fears do I have about being my ideal weight? I do feel that I need some help at this point. Perhaps a personal trainer, a counsellor, a nutritionist ... perhaps all 3?
Knowing and doing
I know the theory and what works ... it's the 'doing' and the persistence that are lacking. It takes real desire and long term commitment to a healthier way of eating ... that's what determines success or failure. Sometimes, making changes in other areas of my life creates a ripple effect ... clearing the clutter in my house encourages me to clean my 'inner house'. (Insert 'nervous laughter') ... I haven't approached the outer clutter either! Did I say I was stuck??!!
Supportive friends are invaluable too but ultimately the desire, decision and commitment has to come from within.
November 15/2007
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