 We are pleased to offer a new eight part series on the subject of Childlike Faith by Mike Mason. Mike is a regular contributor to canadianchristianity.com and has edited excerpts from his book 'The Mystery of Children,' inspired by his own journey in parenting. This second 'Mystery' book was a follow up to his ECPA Gold Medallion award winning 'The Mystery of Marriage.'
People of my generation were fond of talking about the strong-willed child. If anybody was having trouble with their kids it was because the kids were strong-willed.
As young parents my wife and I were convinced we had a strong-willed child. There was no question about this. Any fool could see it. Our daughter's strong will was the source of all our problems with her.
The older I grew, however, and the more I observed the parents of other strong-willed children, the more a simple realization dawned on me: In every case where there was a family with a so-called strong-willed child, the parents were also strong-willed. Any fool could see it.
I began to wonder: Who's to blame? Gradually I came to grasp two basic principles about strong wills.
First, they run in families. Symptoms such as obstinacy and hyperactivity in children are both a sign and a direct result of the same qualities in their parents.
Secondly, the way to deal with a strong-willed child is for the parents to soften their hearts. The way to manage a hyperactive child is for the parents to settle down.
In short, if you don't like your child's behavior, change your own. Children do not listen to our words but to our actions. They have big ears but even bigger eyes. Though their hearing is selective, they see everything.
This means we must practice what we preach. The best teaching is by example, not precept. In fact we do not have the authority to teach any truth that is not deeply ingrained in our own lives. You mothers and fathers ---- who disciplines you?
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Woe to those parents who discipline their children but are unwilling to accept discipline themselves from their heavenly Father!
In the past, parents were fond of quoting from the book of Proverbs to back up the practice of corporal punishment: "He who spares the rod hates his son" (13:24). The problem is that Proverbs contains only a handful of such verses. Far more characteristic are sayings such as "Pleasant words promote instruction" (16:21) or "Good understanding wins favour" (13:15). Such maxims promote not the physical discipline of children but the spiritual discipline of adults. The message of Proverbs is that a good life, one full of wisdom and love, is the best method of discipline.
Golfers have a clear means of measuring their skill. They count their strokes and then compare that number with par. On the green it is a simple matter to determine whether they have sunk their putt or not.
Parenting is no more complicated than this. We can make it difficult for ourselves, but really we need only ask: Am I sinking my putts, or not? Am I succeeding in connecting heart-to-heart with my child?
Many parents are like golfers who get angry at the little black hole for being too small, when really what is too small is the love in their hearts.
January 31/2008
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