|
By Karen McAndless-Davis
Part I
What comes to mind when we hear terms like 'domestic violence,' 'spousal abuse,' or 'battered wife' ?
These are not nice words. We naturally want to distance ourselves from them. Domestic violence does not happen to people like 'us.' It happens to other people. Perhaps we think it happens to poor people, or to ignorant people. Maybe we think it happens to people of different faiths or no faith.
Group of Christian victims
Let me introduce you to a group of women who have all experienced abuse at the hands of their husbands. On a rainy west coast night, they have gathered in a church lounge for what will be the first session of a ten week support group. The women are all white, middle class and educated. As they go around the room introducing themselves they tell how many years they have been married 18, 34, 52 They tell of children and grandchildren. There is one more thing about this group of 14 smart and courageous women that might surprise you; they are all Christians and not the nominal type either. They make mention of deep and meaningful faith. They allude to commitments in various congregations spanning the theological spectrum.
No stereotypes
I have been leading groups like this one for ten years. I came to this work out of my own experience of having been abused. I lived for 10 years in an abusive relationship and no one ever helped me see it as abuse. I knew there was something wrong. I sought help from counselors, chaplains and clergy but no one called what was happening to be abuse. I think it was, in part, because my husband and I did not fit the stereotype of abuser and abused. After 10 years of doing this work myself now, I have yet to meet a woman who fits the stereotype. The women I work with come from all walks of life and all socioeconomic backgrounds. If they have anything in common it would be their courage in the face of great adversity and their unwavering desire to create a better life for themselves and their children.
Christians no different
Nancy Mason-Clark, a sociologist at University of New Brunswick, is an outspoken Christian and has done studies in this area. Her results show that abuse of wives by their husbands happen at the same rate in Christian homes as in non-Christian ones. This fact is disheartening for those of us who call ourselves Christians. We would like to think that our homes are spared such ugliness. But if we deny this reality, we do so at the cost of women who are suffering the abuse.
Abuse in marriage takes many forms including verbal, emotional, financial, sexual and physical. As a society we tend to think that physical abuse is the worst but this is not what women who experience abuse tell us. It varies of course from woman to woman but the women I work with tell me that physical abuse is the least problematic.
Continue article >>
|
With physical abuse, it is clear that it is wrong. The police will step in and help you. Family, friends and the church might support your decision to leave. But the other forms of abuse are more insidious and there is a general lack of understanding about them.
Sandra's story
Sometimes we consider abuse as something 'done to someone' in Sanda's case it involved withholding. Let me tell you the story of 'Sandra' (not her real name). She and her family attended church every Sunday. Her husband, David, was respected by the church and he held various leadership positions over the years. They had three young children and Sandra was staying at home to care for them. What no one in their lives knew was that David was extremely controlling and abusive. He was verbally and emotionally abusive but the tactic of abuse he employed most often was financial. He completely controlled the household finances. Sandra literally had to beg for money if one of the children needed new shoes or a birthday present. It got to the point where David did not allow Sandra any access to money. He did the grocery shopping to keep her from handling any money. He brought home only the foods he liked sardines, olives, spicy sausages not food that young children eat. The freezer was locked. Sandra could not even get out a loaf of bread without his permission. David never hit Sandra but the impact of his abuse on her was profound.
Become aware
Becoming more aware of the types of abuse and understanding their prevalence in the lives of some of our fellow Christians helps us to be more faithful disciples of Christ. Paul in his letter to the Corinthians encouraged us in our relationships with one another to be patient, kind, not envious or boastful or rude. He also urged us to not insist on our own way. But in some Christian marriages, husbands are doing the polar opposite of what Paul calls for. They are cruel, jealous, arrogant and rude and they certainly insist on their own way in virtually every aspect of their relationships.
Male victims too
Some of you may be wondering why I am speaking only about abuse of women by their male partners. You might want to argue that women can also be abusive of their male partners. You would right, that does happen and in a later article I will address that issue. But statistically speaking the abuse most often flows from male to female. And it happens at an alarming rate that we can no longer ignore.
For additional information and extensive resources
http://www.theraveproject.com/index.php
Karen & Bruce's own journey:
Broken vows: Death and resurrection of a marriage
http://www.canadianchristianity.com/cgi-bin/bc.cgi?bc/bccn/1003/5broken
http://www.canadianchristianity.com/christianliving/070809vows.html
To obtain "When Love Hurts: A Woman's Guide to Understanding Abuse in Relationship." : website www.womankind.ca or 1-877-443-7597
February 13/2008
|
