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Articles in the CHRISTIAN LIVING section of canadianchristianity.com often seek to address matters in many people's every day lives that will likely not be specifically addressed by the ministry of the local church. Living with Issues such as mental illness, self-esteem & eating disorders, chronic financial stress and abuse (mental, emotional, sexual)... We commence a short series on the issue of domestic abuse.
Karen McAndless-Davis is an ordained minister in the Presbyterian Church in Canada. She has worked for the past 10 years providing support groups for Christian women who have experienced abuse in their relationship. She is also the co-author of the book "When Love Hurts: A Woman's Guide to Understanding Abuse in Relationship."
By Karen McAndless-Davis
Although we would feel more comfortable denying it, abuse sadly does happen in Christian homes. 'Nicole's' testimony is courageous, and truthful. She is sharing her story so that other women who are experiencing abuse might realize that they are not alone and reach out for support. She also wants to help the church become better informed and therefore equipped to respond to domestic violence. It does not make for easy reading. (Her name has been changed to protect her privacy).
Nicole misjudged by the church
"I am the mother of two young children. I have attended the same church since I was a teenager. Although my husband has never physically hit me, he has abused me in many hurtful and controlling ways.
"As soon as we got together, he started isolating me from my family and friends. He kept me from attending a care group at the church. He was very clever with his words and could twist and manipulate things until I thought I was going crazy.
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"When he got angry, which was often, he would yell, swear and throw things. His behaviour, at times terrified me. But he could also be kind and considerate which was confusing. I felt like I was living with Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. It was his more positive behaviour that he always showed the world.
"Although my husband had never attended church, he went to the pastor as soon as I started talking about a separation. He convinced the pastor that he was a 'good family man.' When I did make the agonizing decision to leave, I did not receive any support from my church family. I was told that 'good Christian women do not leave their husbands' and that women needed to make sacrifices for their families. I was also told that 'God hates divorce.'
"It makes me angry to think that a church I attended faithfully for many years would take the word of a man they have never known over my word. It seemed that he won everyone to his side. No one would believe how horribly he treated me and the children. Even the Christian counsellor we saw for a while took his side. Eventually, however, his faŤade crumbled as she witnessed him yelling at me and demeaning me during a counselling session.
"Even without support, I somehow managed to leave. I could not stand to see my children living in such a toxic environment. They are so clearly happy to be out of that home. I see them finally becoming their own persons, expressing their emotions and enjoying life."
For additional information and extensive resources
http://www.theraveproject.com/index.php
Karen & Bruce's own journey: Broken vows: Death and resurrection of a marriage
http://www.canadianchristianity.com/cgi-bin/bc.cgi?bc/bccn/1003/5broken
http://www.canadianchristianity.com/christianliving/070809vows.html
To obtain "When Love Hurts: A Woman's Guide to Understanding Abuse in Relationship." : website www.womankind.ca or 1-877-443-7597
February 28/2008
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