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Jaclyn Oldham
I grew up in a family that was not religious. We did not talk about God. I always knew that my mother believed in God, but it was never a part of my life. When I was 12, my Grandparents, who are very strong Christians, tried to convince me to believe in God. I completely rejected Christ and decided that the Bible was the biggest hoax ever created.
It was at this time that I started looking into Wicca, a religion that involves the practice of witchcraft. I studied it and started secretly doing rituals in my room. It quickly got out of control.
One of the most painful memories I have is of a time during the summer before high school. I sat on the pier with my best friend, who was soon to be confirmed at her church. I told her that I practiced witchcraft. I asked her to attend a ritual with me, and she did. She became swept up in the occult, and ended up rejecting Christ. My heart grieves for her.
Witchcraft made me feel powerful, and my ego was fuelled at every ritual. At one ritual when I was thirteen I was singled out and told how blessed and special I was, because I had gifts. I wish I could have seen back then just how tightly Satan had hold of me.
I hated Christianity and everything that went with it
When I got a bit older, my Wiccan friends and I started our own coven. We had a booth at the Pagan Pride Parade, and convinced many people to try out our religion.
The people at my high school didn't know. To them I was a bright, bubbly young woman who was always smiling and laughing. I didn't drink, I volunteered at a nursing home, and I had the highest average at my high school for all four years that I attended. No one had any idea that I was actually a practicing Witch.
At first it was thrilling to practice witchcraft in secret. But by grade eleven my dark secret started to have a terrible effect on my happiness. Witchcraft had become a huge part of my life and by grade twelve I started to have anxiety. I was having panic attacks daily, even during class.
I thought about killing myself. I remember lying in bed, drawing all over my body with a ballpoint pen. With every slash of the pen I pretended that I was cutting myself. My mom walked in during this and threatened to take me to a psychiatric hospital that night.
I ended up going for counselling, which helped me deal with my anxiety, but I knew that I needed to leave for University with a new outlook on life. I was going to leave witchcraft behind me, and start over fresh.
I had an amazing first semester of University. I did well in all my classes, and made many new friends. But I felt that I was missing something spiritual in my life. My neighbour in residence, Leah, began asking if I wanted to go to church with her. I didn't go with her, even though she was quickly becoming one of my best friends. The truth is I hated Christianity and everything that went with it.
It was during second semester that I started to have horrifying nightmares. I remember waking up one night in a cold sweat, because I had dreamed that the world had ended. I had heard of the rapture from the internet, and I thought it was all a bit funny. But the dreams I had were very real and terrifying. There was death and destruction, the world was moaning with agony because Jesus had returned and left the unsaved behind. In my dreams, I was one of the people that had chosen to reject Jesus, and I was left to face the horror that remained in a world without any Christians.
When I awoke from these dreams, I would cry out Jesus, Jesus. I was completely torn, because during the day I would profess my hatred for Christianity, but during the night I would cry out to Christ. In Revelations 3:20, Jesus says, Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with him, and he with me. When I was having these dreams, I believe that Christ was pounding at my door. But when I cried out to him, I wasn't letting him in. I wanted His love and protection without repentance or actually making God part of my life.
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The spiritual battle continued as the school year ended and my summer began. I couldn't find a job. As a result, I had a lot of time to think about my life. I quarreled with myself about becoming a Christian, but Satan wasn't going to let go of me easily.
On June 28th, 2006, I sent an email to a pastor whose address I had found on the internet, asking him to help me with my dilemma. Pastor Jim responded within an hour, and we spent the day emailing back and fourth. This man, a stranger from hundreds of miles away, took the time that day to lead me to Christ, and I will be forever grateful.
I was sitting on my couch, with the laptop on my lap, as I read the sinner's prayer off a website. In that moment something inside me shifted, and I felt completely transformed. I felt like a huge burden had been lifted off my shoulders as I stopped resisting Christ and let Him into my life. I remember getting up from the couch, trying to figure out what had just happened. I had become something that I had spent my entire life hating. I was a Christian.
At first my growth as a Christian was slow because I didn't know how to live as a Christian, and I was so used to hating everything to do with Christianity. I found a good church, but I didn't really understand the point of worship, and I didn't know how to pray. I was too embarrassed to ask for help. I spent the first semester of my second year of University trying to figure out how to be a Christian, but I was easily frustrated.
My friend Leah, my neighbour from residence who was now my housemate, suggested that we take an Alpha course. Her sister had taken the course the year before and there was another Alpha course, especially for Queen's students, about to start up in the same home. At first I was a bit hesitant, but after a pretty horrible semester at school, I figured I had nothing to lose.
I was nervous that everyone would know so much more about Christianity than I did, and that I would feel left out. But after just one meeting I knew that the Alpha course was exactly where I needed to be. There were other students with lots of questions too and it was O.K. to ask absolutely anything at all. Nicky Gumbel explained the basics of Christianity in his videos in a way that was both easy to understand and very entertaining. It was in the Alpha course that I learned how to pray, how to read the Bible, and why we worship. Alpha helped me realize just how absolutely amazing Jesus Christ is.
My Alpha group was filled with so many wonderful people who encouraged me to grow as a Christian. These people are so much more to me than just friends; I now know that they are my brothers and sisters in Christ.
The Holy Spirit weekend was the most spiritually fulfilling weekend I have ever had. Since that weekend I feel the Holy Spirit at work in every aspect of my life. The relationships that were forged during that weekend were unlike any that I had experienced before. I have learned that a true friend wants only the best for you, will pray for you, cry with you, and never give up on you. I realized that it was my responsibility to love others unconditionally, because my Lord Jesus loved me first.
I was baptised on April 15th of this year in front of my family, my friends from Alpha, and my friends from my Church. It's hard to believe that this time last year I wasn't even a Christian! Jesus is my oxygen. He is the single most important thing in my life. It makes me so sad that I lived 19 years of my life without Him.
It is my vow to spend the rest of my life in His debt, because He didn't give up knocking on my door. I scoffed at Him, spat at Him, sinned against Him. But when I finally opened the door, He didn't reject me. He cloaked me in love and forgiveness, and gave me life. My Lord is truly greater than all things, and I will love and serve Him for eternity!
February 28/2008
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So glad you've "found" your peace in Christianity. Sad, however, you've picked up the bigotry that many other self-proclaimed Christians display. Also very sad that you haven't sought medical attention for your apparent psychological issues. A good therapist could help you sort those out.
I was raised Catholic and was so confused by the conflicting teachings, when I grew into adulthood and felt I could make mature, rational decisions, I left the Church and Christianity altogether. The difference between someone who leaves Christianity and someone who "finds" it or is "reborn" into it, is that the majority of those who leave do not try to get others to to leave as well. I have never tried to persuade anyone to leave their faith. I will explain my own, but would NEVER try to get someone else to believe as I do. It's rude, presumptuous, and bigoted.
May your life be blessed.
For me, the feeling of ‘connection’ to something greater – the Divine – was distant and lacking. I knew that I was faithful, and I was a spiritual person... it just seemed that the religious path of Christianity I had been forced down was the wrong one for me. I felt great confusion and doubt during a couple wayward years in my early teens after I admitted that Christianity was not for me. I felt depressed and disconnected from the world in my spiritual isolation.
One day my Aunt (mother’s youngest sister) and I had a long talk and the topic turned to religion. I opened up and shared my feelings with her, and I told her about some of the concepts of spirituality that made sense to me. To my great surprise and joy, she told me that she shared many of my feelings. Then she told me that other people shared similar beliefs and that they had a name; Pagan.
I began to research paganism and immediately felt a ‘pull’, a ‘calling’ to the Divine through this path – a path that wholly encompassed my heart and made me feel spiritually /alive/ for the first time. It was a feeling of ‘coming home.’
I am now an adult, happy, balanced, in love with my faith and humbled by the greatness of the Divine. Oh, and my best friend is completing his PhD in Theology at a Christian University on his way to becoming a Priest. Surprised? Don’t be. The Divine transcends all things, including what names we ascribe to it. What is important is that the path we walk is the right one for us, with the right lessons we are meant to learn along the way.
I am saddened for those who feel that they must turn with scorn on paths that did not best suit them. I say; love the path you are meant to walk, but respect the ways others must walk to the Divine. I believe that is the only way you will ever know true peace. God/dess bless.
Yet I am confused by your story. You refer more than once to "hated Christianity and everything that went with it" at a time when you would have been very young. Why? It's normal for kids to rebel against something, but you give no reasons for developing *hatred* towards a religion followed by people in your own family. Or have you bought into the cant that anything less than 100% blind acceptance is *hate*?
I also regret that you are giving the clear impression that *hatred* of Christianity is a part of either Wicca or witchcraft. There are neopagans who *hate* Christianity, but that is generally because they left an abusive church, or have rude and ignorant Christians in their lives. It is certainly not a tenet of the Craft to *hate* another religion. I cannot imagine what books you read, or what kind oif teacher would admit an unrelated, unaccompanied by parent minor with an attitude into a ritual (or how you got to them, for that matter) that *hatred* was healthy or essential to Wicca. I think Jesus will love you just as much if you say that it wasn't right for you, without bearing false witness by the way you are telling your story. It may not garner as much attention from the congregation, but surely that's not why you joined, is it?
The same goes for your claims of having incredible powers at a young age which still believes in quite a different kind of 'magic'; they ring a little false. I hope you will not be disappointed in becoming an ordinary Christian among ordinary Christians, rather than being praised for your 'gifts'.
Finally, it is very normal to feel a period of euphoria after making a significant change. Afterwards, there will be some let-down. You may also find yourself re-experiencing panic and stress, especially as you near graduation, contemplate marriage, and seek to enter the professional job market. I hope that your pastor(s) is/are enlightened enough to encourage you to consult a qualified professional if and when that occurs. There are Christian counselors who can help you to determine whether there are physical triggers that can be addressed with changes in diet or with medicine, in addition to spiritual support from your church family.
Good luck, dear. If you can let go of the idea that you have to *hate* any path that you are not on, you will find greater peace in life.
If it had the chance to ask you any question in the world about what you went through during this supposed dark time of your life, I would ask you this: In all that time you felt lost and seemingly disconnected did you not once voice your problems to your coven? Did you not tell them, "Hey, I'm having a hard time living in the broom closet, somebody tell me what to do?" I think there's going to be a lot of guilt left in your soul over your actions. I feel sorry for you and I wish you well on your new path. I just wish you would have taken advantage of all the support you could have had if you'd only asked.
I notice though in your description of your time as a Wiccan that you were doing well in school and seem to have been a happy person. I notice that you used it for possitive purposes. That was wise because in Wicca you do get back what you send out.
Best of luck on you present path. I will not bash your present religion. Best of luck.
I guess this young woman's story reminds me of my abusive, alcoholic ex-husband's story - a lot. I just wanted a non-dramatic life but he couldn't pull it off. He went from falling away from Christ to coming back to Christ to falling away to coming back... All along dragging people in the church and me with him. Life couldn't be tame. He always had to be receiving help. Talk about an energy thief. He'd suck you dry if you gave him a chance.
My point is this, if you haven't realized yet that you are just one of a hundred billion people out there that have the same needs as you, if you haven't once tried to show to someone else the compassion that was given to you, and if you are so wrapped up in your life that you feel it's all about YOU...then you will continue on the same path you have chosen and will have maaannny more downs before you get it right. Therapy is a good start and maybe some compassion training to get you out of yourself.
To finish Ghandi's quote (which I love): "I like your Christ. I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are nothing like your Christ."
It says it all.
Usually articles like this, the classic " I were a bad satan wershipper but found Jesus and life was great". Its all too familiar, and its beyond the point of irritating for those of us who are serious members of the community
The over-emotional committment to jesus arises out of her emotional problems and she needs to seek professional help or at least realize that her spiritual health requires here to COME DOWN from the highs sometimes before she falls down again.
Let me also say that many nightmares and breakdowns are journeys the soul must take. I hope you find balance.
Blessings.
It has nothing genuine to say, just primitive, "gee whiz Jesus is swell" propoganda. sad, very sad.
As far as the the thing that Ghandi said, I believe that even though someone may appreciate Jesus or what He stood for, you HAVE to not only love Him, but you HAVE to love, pray for and forgive your fellow Christians in order to truly love HIM. It says that anyone who professes to love God but hates/disregards their brother or sister in Christ (fellow Christians)is a LIAR and does not really love God. (see Matthew.) Also it says that if you are a liar, there is a place for you in HELL!(See Revelation)
Living a behaviorly "good" life is NOT ENOUGH to have hope for a good afterlife, because the Bible also says that NOT ONE IS GOOD (except for Jesus) (Psalms). This is why we need a saviour, otherwise Him dying on the cross would be in vain if just 'good" people went to heaven, buddhist, wiccan or otherwise.
The Divine as wiccans refer to, which 'transcends' everything, is really a deception. I would challenge any wiccan to ask 'The Divine' WHOSE name is above all names, the forces behind it will invariably say JESUS, as it is written.
Satan is the prince of THIS world, so he has limited authority to cause havoc, confusion and deception here, but Jesus is the KING of this world and the next,and everybody HAS to serve somebody and for those who think they ae only serving yourselves, well,you are ultimately just a puppet.
Why worship creation (including YOURSELVES) when you can know and worship the CREATOR?
Though I'm glad the girl found her path, there was no need to disrespect another faith or its followers to just parade your own. Is it any wonder many non-Christians avoid Christians and Christianity alltogether? When all we see is stuff like this that is nothing more than an obviously attempt at a blatant smear campaign, why do you think we stay away from you??
Please, stop the pathetic broadbrush stereotyping and actually sit down and get to know your non-Christian neighbors before you pull out your torches and pitchforks.
It is not only respectfull, it's the honest and right thing to do.
Peace to All... jj
The "worshipping the created rather than the creator" argument simply doesn't work for many Pagans such as myself. For many, the physical is a manifestation of God, or the body of God, rather than a separate entity. While the aforementioned statement may make sense to people who's creation story includes an all-creator god separate from his creation, it simply comes off to Pagans like myself as a straw man argument.
Blessings.
Over time, I started discovering other religions throughout the world, Buddhism, Hinduism, Judaism, Islam and many others.
After over 15 years of studying many of these as more of a hobby, I realized something. I had erred when I was 12. My err wasn't seeking out a different faith, my err was my hate, my hatred of Christianity. The truth is that all of these faiths have many things in common and they all exist for the spiritual enrichment of humanity. Perhaps you've forgotten the similarity of the Wiccan passage "An harm none, do what you will" to the Bible's "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you"
Changing religions may have made you a happier and more fulfilled individual, but not for the reasons you might think. The truth is you removed a large part of hatred (toward Christianity) from your life by accepting it as part of your life, by realizing that it's not as bad as you originally thought it was. You must not forget that it's your own hatred that created the opening for the devil to enter your life, not a religion.
I still have mixed feelings about the Christian church to this day and lots of hatred towards it to get rid of, but it's not because of any of its teachings, its because of specific people inside the church who use those teachings for the wrong reasons. However, even those people don't deserve hate, they deserve to be educated.
Don't concentrate on the differences or the religious extremists, concentrate on the similarities among all the religions and how they can all bring us together towards a common spiritual awakening. :)
Dear friend, please consider this statement for a moment:
‘Buddhism* is the way; all Christians have the chance at some point in their life to accept Buddhist Philosophy into their heart and need to do that.’
If somebody was to tell you this, and they were being 100% serious, you’d probably find it bizarre. Could their words strike fear into your heart? No. Would their outpouring of concern for your spiritual welfare make you consider leaving Christianity? I doubt it.
You may not ‘hate’ Buddhism, a religion that exemplifies many teachings repeated by Christ in later years, but the simple fact is that the spiritual path of Buddhism falls so far outside your realm of spirituality and belief structure that promptings to join it (and warnings about the dire consequences of not doing so) have zero effect on you.
That is what it feels like for a person of a non-Abrahamic faith to be confronted by otherwise well-meaning individuals for the sake of prostelization; no matter how intensely or peacefully or angrily they voice their concerns for my soul.
On that note, you will notice that Pagans, as a general rule, do not prostelitize.
I’m glad that Jaclyn Oldham found the spiritual path that seems to be best for her. I am glad she found a supportive and welcoming spiritual community. However, I am concerned that she implied through this article that ‘hating’ other religions (particularly Christianity) is in any way connected to being Wiccan. I am also concerned that she implied that desiring self-harm was a result of her developing faith. It is deceptive to allude to such a connection. Surely you would not deny that some Christians are faced with mental issues, depression, suicide, dug abuse, etc. This is a dark facet of the human condition, which can be greatly alleviated (or exacerbated) by tenants of ones faith. However, to blame the conditions itself on the religion (any religion)… that is folly.
I hope Jaclyn got the professional mental help she needed in dealing with her self-harm fantasies. I truly do.
Bright blessings to all.
* Buddhism was used as an example only. I could have chosen virtually any religion.
It is sick, that's what it is.
This is my experience. It is truth. I don't hate Wiccans, I love them and many of them are my friends. My experience with Wicca left me spiritually dry. I have found peace in Christ.
I do not blame Wicca for previous hatred of Christianity. I also do not blame it for my mental illness (which I did get councilling for).
The title for the artical was also not written by me, which I feel puts emphasis on the Wiccan aspect of the artical, which was not my intent.
Christianity has not solved all my problems. But it has offered me hope and peace. I hope that you all may find the same peace some day.
If you have any specific questions you would like me to address, please comment.
Jaclyn's comment already addressed a lot of the issues brought forward with this article, but I'd like to second them. There is no mention in the article of hating Christianity because of Wicca, or of vice versa now, but both those conclusions have been drawn in other people's comments. There is a comment quoting Jesus about "loving thy neighbour" and I don't think anything Jaclyn wrote here opposing that. She said right in the article that Wicca was not the cause of the mental illness and she wasn't blaming it for that.
I have seen plenty of so-called "Christian" attacks on Wicca - this isn't one of them by a long shot. I feel like the issue with the attacks now taking place on Jaclyn are founded on things that Jaclyn didn't say, but rather things that other people claiming to be Christians have said in the past and are now being ruthlessly applied to Jaclyn. I don't consider that a fair action. There are a lot of implications being drawn of things that other people have said against Wicca that just aren't there in this article. As a Christian myself, I sincerely apologize for anything people claiming to be Christians have said to have hurt you, and I ask that a true spirit of love instead of anger be exhibited by all involved - towards Wiccans and towards Jaclyn facing these attacking comments.