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 By Diane Marshall
(other pieces by Diane Marshall)
"I therefore ... beg you to lead a life worthy of the calling to which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, making every effort to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace."
This passage from Paul's letter to the Ephesians (Ch 4) speaks to all of us as followers of Jesus this Easter as we remember and enter into His death and resurrection. While often applied to our communal life in the church, it has profound significance for our communal life in families.
Most conflicts in the family are rooted in communication breakdown. There are so many ways in which the burdens of contemporary life affect us. In my many years as a family therapist, I have frequently encountered these challenges which can result in such conflict:
• Stress and anxiety
• Time (mis-)management
• Illness (physical and emotional)
• Addictions
• Financial pressures
• Sexual difficulties or abuse
• Parenting differences
• Grandparent and extended family problems (including issues of ageing)
• Values differences
Along with mis-management of anger, expressed in physical or verbal abuse, bullying, constant criticism, or a withholding/stonewalling).
Such roots of conflict can result in relationships chronically fraught with tension, where humility and gentleness, patience and forbearance are not practiced, and love is wounded.
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Peacemaking requires, as Paul counsels, that we "make every effort to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace." In practical terms, it means that we need first, a willingness to (re)connect , and a combination of patience, an openness to listening, and a heart of compassion for the other member(s) of the family.
Peacemaking also requires that we be able to clearly express our own needs, and to be open to negotiate and compromise in finding solutions to problems. It is the practice of mutual submission, grounded in the love of Christ.
God is present in the sacred moments when people 'connect' with one another, in the search for healing and forgiveness and peace. In seeking to reconcile ourselves to someone with whom we've become estranged due to the kind of stressors and challenges that pervade our family lives, we need to first pray for God's Spirit:
Simple prayers for a gentle spirit, for a focus and will to 'make peace.' Pray for courage - to speak truthfully in love.'
Pray for the fruit of the Spirit in self-control - mainly that we can listen deeply to the other (and control our impulse to 'jump in' and talk too much!) Forgiveness is likely the hard path that will need to be walked - "I forgive you" are powerful and releasing words when spoken honestly.
Diane Marshall, M.Ed., RMFT is with the Institute of Family Living (IFL), Toronto, and is a regular contributor to canadianchristianity.com.
IFL is a multi-disciplinary, cross-cultural team of professional therapists and physicians. Guided by Christian and Jewish faith traditions, they offer psychotherapy, assessment, and consultation to individuals, couples, families, and human service agencies. www.ifl.on.ca
March 20/2008
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