|
By Colleen Hammermaster
 Carol* had been going out with Kevin* for two years. The first few months were great Kevin sent her romantic little cards, and would tell her she was beautiful. But eight months later things changed. Kevin would promise to call Carol Saturday night, but instead would go out with his friends. He criticized her appearance and even ogled other women when they were out together. The harder Carol tried to make things work, the less effort Kevin put into the relationship. He even had the nerve to say she'd be lucky to find someone else who would go out with her. Carol's friends urged her to dump him, but Carol felt that she couldn't go on without him. She blamed herself for the problems in the relationship and thought that if she was more attractive, Kevin would be more interested..... she was wrong.
Many people, at some time in their life, have experienced an 'unhealthy' relationship. You meet someone, think they are everything you've ever dreamed of in a partner, and a few months later realize that the prince/princess you thought you'd found is really a frog. Finding yourself in a relationship that is less than you'd hoped far is not so perplexing, however staving in that relationship is.
So why do people such as Carol, stay in dysfunctional relationships?
Why do they allow themselves to be mistreated by someone else?
The answer relates to the issue of self-esteem or the awareness of yourself as a worthy, valuable and lovable human being. Positive self-esteem comes from the knowledge that happiness and security are found within oneself, rather than achieved through another.
A person with strong self-worth recognizes that you need not be in a romantic relationship to validate your value. You are truly a 'whole' person whether you are in a relationship or not. If you respect yourself and find life fulfilling, then your love for others can only enhance your life - and theirs. However, having a partner doesn't prove that you are lovable - we were each created to be lovable, and because of that we are.
The problem develops when you base your self-worth on being in a relationship rather than on the uniqueness of yourself. Many people fall into the trap of looking for a relationship to make them happy, complete or fulfilled. I have counseled many women (and yes, some men) who feel they cannot be happy without being in a relationship. They stay with someone who is not good to them because they feel they don't deserve more. 'A bad relationship is better than no relationship at all,' according to some women.
Continue article >>
|
In other cases they feel they need a man to make them feel like a women. Low self-esteem not only keeps you in an unhealthy relationship, it also changes the nature of the relationship. When you have low self-esteem you reject yourself as worthy, and in turn expect others to reject you as well. To avoid this rejection from your partner, you try to be the perfect mate. You become everything your partner may want or need: the most nurturing, the most attractive, the sexiest, and the most generous person in the world. However, in this process of trying to be everything for your partner you risk losing your own person. If your partner is the right one for you, he/she will be attracted to you for who you really are, not to some impossible ideal of how you think you should be.
Too often people remain in unhealthy relationships to avoid bring lonely. The paradox is that there is no lonelier place than an unhappy relationship. Happiness and self-esteem don't come from your partner or your relationship, but from your ability to love yourself for who you are, including all your strengths and weaknesses. In fact, learning to love and appreciate yourself is a prerequisite to getting close to others. If you are in a relationship, you deserve to be treated with love, honesty, and respect You don't deserve anything less. You also have the right to leave a relationship that isn't base on love, honesty, and respect... You're worth it!
This article is contributed by Colleen Hammermaster, a Christian counseling psychologist. She has worked at Concordia University College of Alberta in Edmonton for 11 years, counseling students and staff, and teaching University courses in Educational Psychology. She has also worked in the hospital setting as well as in the Psychiatric Hospital setting. For the past 8 years she has been providing counseling services in her own private practice. She has counseled hundreds of individuals struggling with a wide variety of emotional issues and problems, and has led many workshops and presentations for both private and public agencies. Dr. Hammermaster has a doctoral degree in Educational Psychology from the University of Alberta, and has written many articles of relevance to Christians on topics such as: how to stop worrying, avoiding the time crunch, preventing burnout, self-esteem in relationships, and coping with depression.
(*not actual people)
September 11/2008
|
Noelyne Jones
www.noelyne.com