By Tracee Midgley

AS I start to write this, I feel a bit nervous. Telling my secrets to strangers is quite scary. But I realize that speaking out brings a freedom to my life.

Abuse

As I look back on my life, I can see how dysfunctional my family was. My father was an abusive man, both verbally and physically. At the age of three, I remember the police coming to take my father away.

When my mom got abused, so did my older brother; and then he would take his anger out on me. His anger was so out of control that I feared coming home every day, wondering what horrible beating I was in for. I truly hated what my life was.

I would stay at my friends’ homes and never want to leave. Their families had the love that I wanted so badly in my young life. But instead of love, I was given fear, hate and abuse.

My longing for love and acceptance led me through numerous unhealthy relationships – resulting in two children, an abortion, a suicide attempt and a job as an exotic dancer. I became very tired of being emotionally abused, broke, tired and sad.

Faith in money

I came to the conclusion that money would solve all my problems. Working as a waitress in a large night club in Calgary, I met a drug dealer with a lot of money. Being with him, I finally felt I was living the life I wanted: trips to Hawaii, going to hockey games in limos, eating out all the time.

I was 29 when a new nightmare began. My boyfriend was almost murdered. We had two drive-by shootings at our home, and were under constant police surveillance. I left my children with their father, and we moved to B.C. to leave that life behind. But it soon caught up with us. My boyfriend got picked up on a Canada-wide warrant for numerous charges, and was immediately incarcerated in Calgary.

My life then took another turn for the worse. I began to take pot, cocaine, ecstasy, mushrooms and crystal meth. I had alcohol poisoning numerous times. My life was out of control and I didn’t really care whether I lived or died. During this dark time in my life, I would regularly visit my boyfriend in jail.

It wasn’t long before I began to see a change in him; he was softening. In his letters, a peace had developed and the incredible anger had subsided – but how?

He had come to God. He would tell me what incredible things God was doing for him in prison. I loved visiting him because I could feel his peace. I wanted what he had; but I didn’t really understand what it was – or how to get it.

God’s love

One day, a Christian friend talked to me about the love God gives. He gave me his Bible, and I began to read it starting with Genesis. I felt so good. I was beginning to heal physically, emotionally and spiritually. I was in my own rehabilitation program and I started to think clearly.

One day, after a visit with my boyfriend in jail, I had an incredible urge to climb as high as possible to get as close to God as I could. I came upon a place called Larson’s Hill – and it was there that I gave my heart and my life to God.

Through many tears, I asked him to forgive me for the horrible things that I had done. I asked him to come into my life, and fix the mess I’d made of it. At this point, all the birds stopped chirping – and as soon as I had finished praying they began to sing again. I wanted God to hear my call and help me. He did. I will never forget that day.

God is good. He is a forgiving God. He knows everything about me: every hurt, and every scar that needs healing. I am not finished my journey toward healing yet, but each step I take is with him.

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Restored

As it says in Deuteronomy 30:3, “the Lord your God will restore your fortunes and have compassion on you.”

My boyfriend was released from prison after six months, and became my husband. At 32, I was being given back my life. I felt that everything which was taken away from me would be restored, in God’s time.

After seven years, my eldest daughter came to live with my husband and me. My mom, after not speaking to me for seven years, came to live nearby – and I was able to see her weekly.

I am closer to my siblings than ever before. And best of all, I have the peace of knowing my dad is in heaven, because God granted me the honour of being with him in his last days.

If there is one thing that I can tell you, it is this: don’t wait another day! Each day you live without the love of God is another day you are being robbed of the life God intended for you to have.

Don’t wait until you hit rock bottom before you cry out to him. There is nothing you have done in your life that you can’t be forgiven for. You just have to ask. He’s waiting. This is the most important decision you will ever make.

I want you to understand where my walk has led me since I made that decision.  I have come to the conclusion that I was never intended to have a ‘charmed’ life.

Ongoing struggles

I have had to struggle, fight, battle in order to persevere; but through it all, at the end of each emotional tangle, I have seen where God has been there for me. I have hope – something I once believed did not exist.

I watched my mentally ill mother battle depression for 20 years – and no matter what I said or did, I couldn’t understand how she didn’t have hope. At the same time, she couldn’t understand how I did.  She didn’t know Christ. She eventually came to know Jesus – and that was the hope I had for her.  

I have been down, too – so down that I wondered where God was. This last year, our family experienced something devastating, overwhelming and humiliating. My 15 year old daughter came home and told me she was pregnant.

I think that, through the first few months, I was in denial, – as she didn’t really look pregnant. Once she started to show, I realized how strong and courageous she was ­– as she went to school everyday and endured the looks and the taunts of others. She was able to maintain a healthy disposition, and continued to lead her life as normally as possible.

God made me very aware of how judgmental I had been of others in the same circumstance in the past. Back then, I would ask: “How could this happen in a Christian family?”

But now, I was humbled.

Ending in blessing

Looking back, I can see how my struggles have always ended in blessing. God has blessed me so much.

I watched my mom take her last breath, and I watched my granddaughter take her very first.

Mom lived with a mental illness for 20 years, and finally found true peace in heaven.

Watching my daughter take upon herself the role of a mother at age 16 has been amazing; she is truly an incredible mom.  

I do know one thing: I would rather endure the sufferings and pain with God, than without him – because, otherwise,  I would not be who I am today.

Tracee Midgley attends a church in Chilliwack. Her pastor recently spoke enthusiastically to BCCN about the ongoing strength of her faith.

April 2008