By Vonnie Mostat

Four years ago, we acquired new neighbours at the back of our property, which is a quarter acre, long and narrow. Giving them a chance to settle I went over a week later with a welcome pie and a card with my name, telephone number and email address.

“This is a friendly neighbourhood. if ever you need anything, just give us a call,” I said with a big smile.

So far, so good.

Two weeks later, we were awakened to the sound of lumber being dropped off at our back fence and a small bulldozer being driven off a loader. Lots of banging followed.

Our new neighbours were building a big shed right on the other side of our fence. It was so high we could show home movies on it from our back patio. They built it on skids – I suspected that was so that they would not have to pay taxes on a permanent fixture – which made it even higher.

As the building progressed, so did my agitation. I complained to my husband that our beautiful gardens, our lawn and our trees would be shaded by this monstrosity, and entertaining on our patio would be out of the question.

Since my husband seemed to be taking the shed in stride – simply promising to build something to hide it – I started to ‘share’ my complaints with my women friends at church.

I also made the mistake of complaining to other neighbours, who were also angry about the shed. I told them that the offenders had not even applied for a building permit – they had posted no authorization in their window. The other neighbours called the Public Works Department, and work was stopped for two months awaiting a building permit.

When the building began again, every meal hour was filled with my complaints. “You will never be able to build anything big enough to hide that monstrosity!” I cried.

I decided to send an email to the new neighbours – a long, angry email. I was just “explaining our viewpoint,” I reasoned. I said they were ruining our beautiful garden and shading our greenhouse. Then I pressed the send button.

Once you press that thing, it can never be retracted. My husband was very annoyed. I had sent an angry email without praying about the situation first and without talking to him about it.

Speaking to a person directly is far better than the written word. But I was too cowardly to do that. I know better than to write letters or send emails when I am angry. Something said in anger is like a bitter acid – it not only hurts the recipient, but it also eats into the sender. But I am a slow learner, swift to anger – and so I lived with regret for two years.

In the meantime, my husband started work on a long, latticed trellis to support a grape vine on our side of the fence to hide the shed.

“This will take years!” I cried.

He planted four different types of grapes – tiny little sticks – and fertilized them well, telling me to have patience. “Grapes, like relationships, take time to grow,” he said.

My husband gardened and chatted with the new neighbours while I remained silent – that is, until the man leaned over the fence and said to me, “This is my yard, and I have a perfect right to build anything in it that I want.”

In response, I wrote a letter. I told him his shed was on stilts to avoid taxes, and it was too high, shading all our garden. (I tend to exaggerate when angry.) Come over to our side of the fence, I suggested, and see what we see from our patio.

Some time later, his wife telephoned me. They had come by our back garden when we were out and seen it from our point of view, but could I please send them no more emails or letters – “They were most upsetting.” The shed was now finished, along with a lean-to for their boat. It was too late to do anything about it, and her husband was very adamant that we would just have to learn to live with it. .

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For the next year, my husband chatted with the neighbours and shared produce from our garden while I fumed.

I knew I was wrong; I did not need anyone to tell me. God was telling me. Proverbs 14:17: “A quick-tempered man does foolish things, and a crafty man is hated.” Proverbs 16:29: “A violent man entices his neighbor and leads him down a path that is not good.”

I had surely done that, and I was ashamed. Every time I went out into the garden and the neighbours were gardening, I moved to the front garden. They were flower masters, and their garden was beautiful – which only added fuel to my anger.

But God continued to speak. Proverbs 15:1: “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” Proverbs 14:29: “A patient man has great understanding, but a quick-tempered man displays folly.”

Oh, how I wished I had not sent that email and that letter. My husband, the voice of wisdom, told me that in order to restore my relationship with my Lord I needed to go over to our neighbours and ask their forgiveness.

“But I was justified!” I cried. “It will take years for those grapes to grow and cover that monstrosity. We should move – I hate this house now!”

“This is not my wife speaking,” my gentle husband said. “Those are the words of a woman under God’s conviction, and you know you will never be happy until you resolve this.”

I knew he was right. I waffled and argued, but every time I opened my Bible, words jumped out at me. Proverbs 17:14: “Starting a quarrel is like breaching a dam; so drop the matter before a dispute breaks out.” It was too late for that. I was not sleeping, and avoiding the back garden and the neighbours was becoming impossible.

Walking around to the neighbours’ front door was a long way – a very long way – and knocking was even harder.

I thought I would apologize fast and flee. But I was invited in and offered tea or coffee. I told the neighbours that God had been speaking to me about my anger and my attitude towards them, and I wanted to apologize.

She was soft-natured. With tears in her eyes, she accepted my apology and said they had never realized what their shed would look like from our side.

He said little, save that they had come from a farm without any neighbours and were struggling with subdivision life. He asked me whether I had telephoned the Public Works Department.

Thankfully, I could say, “No,” but I did not offer up the names of our other neighbours. I had done enough damage already.

I am so glad that I went over and apologized, as difficult as it was. We can now chat over the fence. The neighbours call us when they go on holidays to pick up their mail and check their house, and we are the only neighbours they connect with in that way.

The grapes have grown. I am convinced that God caused them to flourish. Last year, the third year, we had so many grapes we were able to supply all our neighbours with bags of them. We cannot even see the shed from our patio when entertaining . . . well, maybe a little if we stand up and peer at the roof line.

The lessons I learned will stay with me. Now, when I am angry, I wait a while before sending an email. In fact, I often have my husband proofread my emails before I send them. I thank God for a husband who loves me and knows me so well and who walks close to the Lord. He may be fussy about his grass and garden, but he does not allow it to control him or destroy relationships.

A few months ago, we found out that the neighbours have again started attending their church, one they had left for a season

January 2011