WHEN I was 22, I found myself drawn to becoming part of a church for the sake of my daughter. I was convinced that this would help build a strong foundation for her.

As I sat listening to the sermons in those first three years, the pain came pouring out though my tears. I wept every Sunday. I didn’t understand why I was grieving so much.

As I look back now on that time, it puzzles me as to why I didn’t see the connection between having two abortions as a teenager and the outpouring of sadness I was experiencing six years later.

But I didn’t. I also didn’t understand why I felt so inadequate around other moms at church. I never wanted to give up too much detail about my past, fearing being exposed and rejected.

In November 2006, I took a step of faith and went to a Rachel’s Vineyard retreat. My heart was finally open to the Lord doing a healing work in my life. He desired to bring me back to a place of wholeness, even if I didn’t totally believe it myself.    

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I knew I couldn’t erase the past, but I could bring God into my present and allow him to be a part of those painful places that were breeding inadequacy, silence, guilt and shame.

Deep down, I felt my sin was unforgivable. I didn’t realize that, in having those thoughts, I was saying that I didn’t believe that what Jesus did on the cross worked for me.

The weekend I spent at the Rachel’s Vineyard retreat with other post-abortive women gave me a safe place to experience my grief. The Living Scriptures exercises made the Lord’s love for me a reality.

The memorial for my two children gave them humanity.

I now believe that one day I will be reunited with my children in heaven.

The next local Rachel’s Vineyard retreat will be held May 28 – 30 in Surrey. It is open to post-abortive women, men, couples and any others who may have been affected by abortion. To register, call Doreen at Post Abortion Community Services 604.525.0999.

Info: rachelsvineyard.org.

May 2010