READY or not, here they come.

Whether you are ready to face them or not, the holidays are approaching, the same as any other year. For most, they represent a time for families to gather, for Santa to spoil children and for people to reflect on the blessings of the year past.

Unfortunately, many families will be facing the empty place at the holiday table that was once filled by a beloved spouse, parent, sibling, friend or child And what was once a season of warmth and peace is instead filled with sadness, longing and regret.

Author Joni James Aldrich knows that feeling all too well. In 2006, she lost her 45 year old husband to cancer.

“The first holiday season after I lost my husband was awful, because we had so many special traditions that we shared,” explains Aldrich. “We had no children together, so the holiday traditions we shared essentially stopped without Gordon there. Every Christmas Eve, he waited until I went to bed to fill the stockings and leave presents under the tree. Without him, Christmas just wasn’t the same.”

This year, lightning struck again – when Aldrich learned that her 83 year old mother has terminal cancer.

“The person who filled the void for me after Gordon died was my mother,” Aldrich says. “Now, this holiday season my family may face the sorrow of yet another loss.”

Silver bells and cheery carols can highlight loss, just as easily as they can bring good will towards man. From her own experience, Aldrich offers six suggestions for other grieving hearts that might make this holiday season a little easier to navigate.

Make a list

There’s no way to avoid it. From the first store decorations in September until the ball drops on New Year’s Day, there is no shortage of special occasions to remind you of your loved one. If each one of these is painful due to grief, you may wish you could just hide under a rock until the last fruitcake has been thrown away.

Unfortunately, it just doesn’t work that way. There are others in your circle of family and friends – perhaps even children – to consider. Aldrich suggests that thinking through the holidays ahead of time will help.

“Start preparing early by making a list of the things you may want to keep the same during the season, and those that you want to adjust – at least for this one holiday season,” Aldrich recommends.

“Try to dial into your internal comfort gauge ahead of time. What would be too difficult for you this year?”

Adaptability is crucial

As you start navigating the holiday waters, keep your emotional compass handy. If you’re in a store, and feel the need to walk all the way around the back to avoid the holiday decorations, do it. If you start writing greeting cards and find you can’t continue, adjust your list.

If you’re not sure how you feel about an activity, give it a try. If it becomes too painful,  alter the scope or stop. And don’t be hard on yourself about it.

“Maybe you don’t want to put up that 14–foot fir this year,” says Aldrich, adding: “But can you put up a small fibre optic tree? Will the world stop if you serve lobster instead of turkey? The answer is no. Those who love you will completely understand. If it’s that important, ask someone else to do the shopping or cook the goose for you.”

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Embrace a balance

No matter what you do, you are going to be overwhelmed by emotions during your first holiday season after a loss. It’s okay to let the emotions come. Talk about how you feel with your family and children; they are probably experiencing their own painful feelings. But don’t let it be the only topic of conversation around your holiday table.

Aldrich says it’s important to find a balance between the two. Don’t exclude the remembrance of your loved one just because you think it might be awkward; but don’t overdo it, either.

“Trying to keep your emotions bottled up inside can lead to a major meltdown,” advises Aldrich. “Remember that grief never fits into a neat timetable. No matter how prepared you think you are, or how much of your life you may have rebuilt, grief can still bowl you over at any time. Just don’t let it be the focus of every holiday celebration.”

Replace the sting of loss with the joy of giving

Despite the festive spirit of the holiday season, you may find yourself focusing on what you don’t have. Instead, Aldrich suggests embracing the season by caring for others, such as your children, grandchildren and friends.

“Consider giving a donation to your favourite charity,” Aldrich says, adding: “Or you can adopt a family and provide them with a wonderful holiday.

“If you can’t afford a donation, consider donating time to the local homeless shelter or soup kitchen. Giving to charity makes you feel good, and you can give in honour of your loved one.”

Give yourself the gift of counselling

Depression during the grieving process can often lead to a feeling of hopelessness and despair, and individual counselling or a support group can help you get through. There is no shame in seeking support.

“I went to grief counselling after the loss of my father many years ago,” Aldrich says. “That’s when I found out how vital to the healing process it can be. There was something very comforting about interacting with a group of people who had also lost their fathers. It helps to know that you are not alone, that there are other people that are suffering painful memories, too.”

Don’t be afraid to ask for help

The holidays are full of emotion, memories and gatherings with people. The combination can be overwhelming – and for many, the burden is just too much to bear.  

Watch out for any – conscious or unconscious  – harmful tendencies. If you feel any suicidal urges, call a friend or family member, your counsellor or 911.

Aldrich warns: “If you feel as though you are slipping into a dangerous place, ask for help immediately.

“Keep reminding yourself that your loved one wouldn’t want you to be sad, or do anything self-destructive.”

“There is a ray of light at the end of the holiday tunnel,” concludes Aldrich. “Each one that passes will be a little easier.”

New traditions will become cherished over time, and precious memories can still bring joy.

November 2010