|
By Vonnie Mostat
TO FORGIVE, and to forget, are very difficult.
Eleven years ago, I was given the wrong drug for a rash, that later proved to be
celiac disease. This mistake will affect me mentally and physically for the
rest of my life.
Since I was busy in my church, my home and my job as a nurse, and was a ‘perimenopausal woman,’ my family physician concluded the spots on the back of my head, arms and thighs
were likely a sign of stress.
Without looking at my history or referring me to a dermatologist, the doctor prescribed a neuroleptic drug many doctors call “the chemical lobotomy.” It permanently destroyed parts of the cerebellum of my brain.
My tongue would not stay in my mouth, moving in and out rhythmically like a
snake. My head turned to the left on its own. I would stumble and shake as if I
had Parkinson’s disease, and I could not get my words out. The symptoms became so severe I had
to leave my fulfilling job.
I was referred to the Movement Disorder Clinic at the UBC Hospital. They
operated to cut the nerves to my forehead, so that my face would no longer
perform its Groucho Marx imitation. They operated on the back of my head to cut
a nerve, to stop me from unintentionally making u-turns with my head.
Supported by our caring church family, I prayed: “God heal me. Perform a miracle.” Each time another drug was tried, I would think, “This is the one!”
They trained my husband to give me zylocaine injections. The freezing would last
for four hours, and bring some relief. I went for botox injections so that I
could chew and swallow.
Two years ago, we felt we had God’s answer – deep brain stimulation surgery. Prayers again went up from our wonderful
congregation.
The doctors drilled two holes into my cranium, and threaded leads down into the
area of my brain that had been damaged.
The leads were attached to a box implanted in my stomach, which would send
impulses to my brain to stop the movements and the excruciating pain.
But hope was again dashed. All settings of the machine caused electric shocks to
travel from my shoulders and down both arms – and the device failed to stop the pain. A year later, I was again in surgery – to have the unit taken back out.
My dear husband resumed administering injections. We were in this together. The
damage had not only destroyed my social life; it had destroyed his as well.
This should never have happened – and anger rears its ugly head every time I go in for yet another surgery, or
allow my mind to wander over all the damage done.
There have been a few occasions when I cried out in pain to my heavenly Father: “Why me?!” Then I would hear his gentle voice saying, “Why not you?”
There are so many other Christians who have suffered from cancer and other
debilitating diseases, and have not been healed.
God didn’t promise us a rosy path when we accepted him. We are still in this world with
all of its diseases.
I did not receive my miracle. But God did promise us strength for each day, and
he has fulfilled this ‘to the max.’
Continue article >>
|
I prayed long and hard for Christ to remove the resentment from my heart,
knowing it would only prevent me being of any service at all to my Saviour.
Forgiving means “to cease to resent, or to pardon.” I truly believe I have pardoned the physician for damaging my brain and
changing my life so drastically.
For a Christian, forgiving is an obedient step. I had to forgive, because my
Lord forgave all my sins – and told me that if I did not forgive others, he would not forgive me (Matthew
6:14,15).
I told a friend: “Bitterness and anger not only destroy the vessel on which they are poured, but
also destroy the vessel in which they are stored.” Forgiving, however, leaves you with a peace of mind, regardless of what happens
in the future.
Forgetting is harder. Oh, how I want to be like my Father, and forget injustices done to
me. Some people do not remember who, or what, hurt them last month.
Others remember like an elephant. When they are hurting, the remembering is like
a knife that slices their heart all over again, and the bleeding never seems to
end.
I wish I could be like those fortunate people who can choose to forgive and
forget at the same time. But I am like the elephant: long on memory.
I have had so many prayer discussions with my Lord about my inability to forget.
Forgiving is an act – I choose to forgive because of Jesus and what he has done for me, and because I
know that is what he wants in order for me to be a vital Christian.
Is forgetting also an act or choice – an ongoing decision I am going to have to make every time a memory rises?
I choose to share my struggle, because it is when we make ourselves vulnerable
that real growth and change can occur – and that is what I want in my life.
Only then will I be free of this elephant. To be used by God is my desire. I do
not want to be a crippled vessel.
The elephant has to go!
Vonnie Mostat attends South Langley Mennonite Brethren Church.
October 2009
|
